Ago.ra.pho.bia
Noun
The the irrational fear of leaving or being taken from your home.
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Most people might have never guessed that Ray Toro was a Diff just from staring at him from a distance, it wasn't the most noticeable thing about him. He could hide his differences with just the flash of his bright, kind smile and store the secret behind his pearly teeth. Ray was only fifteen years of age, but he had the maturity of someone who was going through a midlife crisis. And usually when you're in a midlife crisis you're a frantic mess but you still somehow manage to not speak a single word to anyone around you.That was Ray's little catch. His voice was taken from him when he was seven, right around the same age when Gerard's hair decided to turn it's shade of white.
Gerard knew that Ray was a Diff as soon as they met just from the way Ray didn't even give his hair a second glance. Even though it had been three years ago with Gerard at thirteen and Ray at eleven, they'd never forgotten it. They didn't think of each other much which sometimes even resulted in Gerard forgetting who Ray was until his full name was mentioned. The two weren't close and they had no intention to be, but it was a smart idea for them to be closely acquainted in case of upcoming segregation strategies.
Donna was the one who had initially invited Ray to the Way residence as she had offered him a newfound 'friend' and some tea. The friend hopefully being Gerard and the tea, that was just a bribe to get the walking afro the come over and save her son from eternal loneliness. Annoyed, Gerard had protested and insisted for hours on end that he already had a decent friend, but Donna wouldn't take his word for it and was determined on bringing the Toro child over.
Of course her plan hardly worked.
First off, Gerard had no clue as to how to communicate with Ray since he couldn't speak a single word. Gerard became frustrated, he loved hearing peoples voices but he would never hear Ray's and that upset both of them.
They eventually found a way to interact when Gerard had given his new friend an old sketchpad and pen with barely any ink left in it. Gerard offered him a different pen a million times but Ray wouldn't take it because this pen was special, it was the only blue pen and he adored the color blue.
Although Gerard's mind was elsewhere, he still tried to be as polite as possible as he and the latter sat at the wooden kitchen table where Gerard asked questions and Ray wrote down simple, one word answers. Ray was aware that Gerard was only half interested in what he had to say- or write, to be precise- but it was the most attention anyone had given to him in awhile. After awhile, it had become pathetic and Ray finally sighed and simply wrote;
What's bothering you?
Gerard hated to admit but the only thing that was eating away at him was his never-ending loneliness. Sure, it was nice having Ray around, even Mikey at times, but Gerard hadn't seen Frank in four days. He sat in his flower corner every morning, glancing repeatedly at the Iero's front door, but Frank never showed. It almost seemed as if the whole family just ghosted the home. That wasn't true though, as Gerard recalled his father's complaints of Frank Senior being a complete pain in the ass during work hours.
Gerard just couldn't help but worry. He even asked Mikey if Frank had shown up at school but the younger Way was just as clueless as him. There was still mention of Fabiana Iero going to school but when asked about her brother's whereabouts, she stuck up her nose and refused to give an answer.
Why he was missing Frank so much, was a complete mystery to Gerard. He was still freaked out by the whole memories thing, even trying to question his mother about it but instantly deciding against after Mikey had said something about Diffs being taken away. The last thing he needed was another excuse to be thrown onto a train and never see his home ever again.
Sighing again, Ray shoved the paper in Gerard's face to regain his attention resulting in Gerard snatching the sheet of compressed tree guts and reading it slowly.
"I'm lonely, that's all." Gerard replied simply.
Ray was't satisfied with that answer. He crossed his arms, rolling his eyes and leaning back against his chair.
"Okay, fine!" Gerard gave in, Ray's judgemental eyes had brought him to the point of admitting. "I miss my friend that's all."
Ray raised an eyebrow, not satisfied with that answer either.
"You're so difficult," Gerard huffed. "If you must be so invasive, I haven't seen my friend in four days. I walked home with the other night and he promised to see me the next day but he hasn't shown."
Ray nodded and grabbed the pen, scribbling more words.
Did the trains take him?
Gerard shook his head. "He's..he's not a Diff."
Now, if Ray hadn't had his voice stolen, he would've been berating Gerard and his entire existence. A Diff and Same being friends? Uncalled for. Not on Ray's watch. No way. Non c'è modo.
Donna had barged through the kitchen door at the exact right time, a cheesy smile plastered on her wrinkled face as she made her way next to the table that contained the boys. "Ray, sweetie. Your mom is picking you up in five minutes."
Ray squinted his eyes at Gerard who smiled at his mother nervously. Donna smiled back, not realizing the message hidden on her son's lips. Ray left a few moments after, leaving the two Way's alone in the kitchen.
"So? Was he nice?" Donna questioned excitedly.
"I wouldn't really know, Mom. He doesn't talk." Gerard muttered and placed his chin in the palm of his hand.
"Well, you made an effort, right?"
"I tried to."
"That's good enough, sweetie."
Gerard shrugged and stared down at the table's wooden pattern. He was hoping his mother would catch on and ask about what was bugging him, but knowing Donna, she wouldn't have noticed if it hit her dead in the face. Instead she pulled a magazine from the middle of the table and began flipping through it as Gerard moped right beside her.
"Momma?"
"Mhm."
"L-look at me.. please."
Donna slowly closed her magazine and turned to her child, looking him gently in his hazel eyes that were slowly becoming wettened with threatening tears, "Gee? What's wrong?"
"Momma..A-am I getting taken away?"
All the color drained from Donna's face. Slamming the magazine down onto the table, she then scooped Gerard into her arms and held him against her chest while caressing his bleached hair, "Nobody will ever take my baby away from me, do you understand?''
Gerard nodded stiffly as a single tear fell onto his mother's blouse, leaving the tiniest wet mark in the purple fabric. Wrapping his arms around his mother's waist, Gerard let out a choked sob. "I don't want to leave you guys."
Donna brought Gerard's face into both of her hands, bringing him outwards to bring their gazes together, "Your father will never, ever let you be grabbed away from us. We love you very, very much, Gerard. We don't care about your hair or the fact that you like to paint baby horses, you will always be our son and we won't let anything happen to you as long as we're alive."
"I love you, Momma."
"I love you more, Geebear." Donna knew she was lying to both Gerard and herself. They wouldn't be able to escape the inevitable. There wasn't much she could do to help her dearest son and she hated how helpless she was, everyday of her waking life. Calmly and carefully, she lead Gerard to the living room and helped lay him down in the couch.
"Rest, Gee. You need to calm down. You're safe." With that, she tenderly kissed his forehead and tossed a blanket over his frail body. Sitting herself in the armchair across from the sofa, Donna watched as her precious son slowly drifted off into the comforting arms of sleep.
---
Gerard awoke some hours later with Mikey sitting at the edge of his couch near his feet. Gerard sat up, groaning at the ache in his back causing Mikey to jump a little.
"Sorry." Gerard muttered.
"It's okay." Mikey replied timidly, smiling at his brother.
"How was school?" The older Way brother asked and wrapped the navy green blanket around his thin frame.
"Frank's back. I sat with him at lunch."
Mikey watched as his brother's eyes lit up, "Where was he?"
"With his grandmother," Mikey said and took a sip from the Donald Duck mug that was in his tiny hands, "There's rumors going around that Frank's mother beat him or something."
"I'd believe it." Gee sighed sharply. "Did you invite him over?"
The younger boy nodded, his mousey brown hair bouncing, "He said he'd be over whenever he finds a way to sneak out. He has to talk with a Child Keeper before he can do anything, it's quite serious."
"That sucks. His mom made him walk home in the cold too, that could add to it, ya know?"
"Yeah. I hope it gets resolved. Frank's grandmother lives four sections away."
The brother's silently watched a rerun of Roman Holiday that was playing on TV to pass time. Mikey wasn't too fond of the movie but Gerard absolutely loved it. He was sure he loved it almost more than he loved flowers and bumblebees combined.
"Frank was talking about you." Mikey spoke suddenly just as Audrey Hepburn and her lover were saying goodbye across the TV screen.
Gerard's heart dropped into his stomach, "Oh. What did he say?"
"He missed you." Mikey indicated, "I think you guys should go for a walk when he comes over and just...talk."
Gerard was confused but he didn't argue and snuggled himself deeper into the couch. I could feel himself drifting off again almost which was unusual, he never really grew tired easily enough to take naps. A soft wrap was heard on the front door and both of the Way's jumped from their seats and scampered across the living where they fought briefly over the doorknob until Gerard gave up and let Mikey have the glorious honor. Before the door was completely open, Frank rushed in with a wide smile on his face.
"Holy shit I missed you guys." Frank sighed happily.
Gerard hated to admit that he blushed.
The three boys sat in the kitchen for awhile, eating junk food and catching up with each other all while making dumb jokes and laughing obnoxiously.
Mikey was an over-observant boy, that's why noticed Frank staring intently at his older brother whenever he spoke. At first, Mikey had thought that Frank was just being polite and focusing his attention on Gerard when he was talking but it wasn't like that. Frank's eyes would slowly travel all over Gerard's face, staring at each feature for then a few seconds. Frank would stare at Gerard's eyes, then travel down to look at Gerard's lips where Frank would bite his own lip before moving back up to the Diffs eyes. Mikey didn't know what kind of stare that was. Maybe murderous? Who knows.
The best part would be when Gerard would laugh at something stupid Mikey said and Frank's face would instantly lighten at the sight of Gerard's smile. It was so strange, Mikey didn't understand.The young boy eventually left and went off to finish homework, leaving Gerard and Frank alone in the kitchen where they still nibbled at cookies that Donna had made earlier.
"So, why were you at your grandmothers?" Gerard asked between chews, his eyes meeting Frank's.
Frank looked around, biting at his cookie with hesitation, "Do you mind if we go outside and talk about this? Like, your backyard?"
"Of course." Gerard smiled. They both stood up, Gerard grabbing Frank's wrist and dragging him through the sliding glass door that led into the meadow behind their house.
"It's nice out here." Frank noted as Gerard continued to drag him through millions of trees and flowerbeds until the Way home was nowhere in sight. Finally, the two sat down in a patch of tall grass where they could see the sun starting to set, a bed of orange flowers next to the area.
"So? You gonna answer?" Gerard asked again and picked a flower off the ground. Frank watched him intently with nothing but admiration in his eyes.
"Well, my grandma kinda figured out what my mom did to me." Frank muttered, barely realizing that he was staring at Gerard.
"The walking home thing?"
"No. She um, my mom kinda just..she beat the shit out of me basically."
Gerard frowned and looked away from his flower to meet Frank's already interlocked eyes, "Are..are you okay now?"
Frank nodded. "It gave me time to think while I was gone."
The orange glow of the sun shown perfectly on the side of Gerard's feminine face so nicely that Frank couldn't take his eyes off. In the time he was with his grandmother, he did indeed have time to think. He thought about everything. His school life. His sister. His dad. His family life. Gerard.
He'd thought about Gerard most of all. Frank would lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling and try to figure out why he wanted so badly to be around Gerard. The memories that flashed before them days prior had never left Frank's mind either. It made him realize that he and Gerard had been friends at one point. Best friends. And that boy, that blonde haired, sweet, gentle fairy had been taken away from him years ago. All the memories were taken. They'd been walking around blindly, not realizing that they were denounced rivals with their own best friend.
Frank didn't want it to be like that anymore. He wanted his full attention to be on Gerard, he didn't care what the circumstance was. Even if he was forbidden, he didn't care. Gerard was in his life now. To the extent that Gerard was physically changing him.
"Are you alright?" Gerard asked softly and place a delicate hand on Frank's extended knee, "You look like you just saw an eight-legged cat."
Frank stared at Gerard's hand on the knee and took a deep breath."I have to show you something, okay? But you cannot tell anyone, do you understand?"
Gerard nodded. Frank scooted closer to the snow white haired boy so their shoulders touched. He was awkward at first, it was weird to feel Gerard's body heat against his own.
"So," Frank started, "I figured something out about myself, okay? And something...weird happened. It's scaring me, alright? Promise you won't tell anyone, promise me."
Gerard placed a tender hand on Frank's shoulder and dipped his head, "I promise I won't tell anyone, Frank." And he meant that, because he was a kind and reliant person.
Frank said nothing else and dipped his head forward over his knees, pushing parts of his raven locks aside to expose a part of his scalp to Gerard, "Look close." He said, voice shaky.
Gerard leaned toward him, inspecting his hair.
"Do you see it?" Frank asked.
"See what?"
"There's...there's a few pieces of red hair. I don't...I don't know where they came from. My grandma found them and she swore to not spill to anyone but..I'm fucking scared, Gerard."
Frank was right. Just over his ear was a patch of red hair that was thankfully hidden behind the rest of his black mop.
"I think red is a great color for you." Gerard told him simply. He leaned away and turned his attention back to the flowers that were swaying in the wind beside him.
"No it's not a great color for me!" Frank sputtered and threw his hands up in the air, "If it keeps turning red, I'll be ugly! I'll be a freak and I'll be judged by everyone! You don't get it."
Gerard smiled and looked up at the sky, "Frank, why are you so worried about being ugly? You're certainty not that, I do believe so. Having red hair won't make you any less beautiful."
Frank froze. "What did you just call me?"
"Um, beautiful? Have you ever heard of that word before? My brother told me it's usage was outlawed in schools but-"
"Do you even think before you speak?"
"Not most of the time, no."
"You're full of rubbish." Frank muttered sadly.
"How so?" Gerard interrogated, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Why would you call someone beautiful if you hardly know what the word means?"
"Who says I don't know what it means? Flowers are beautiful. The sky is beautiful. A lot of things are beautiful, and I think you're easily one of those things."
"Shut up." Frank hissed, "Just, shut up! Shut up!"
Gerard's face dropped and scooted away from Frank's warm body, "I wish you wouldn't get so angry about everything."
The latter sighed as he desperately tried to hide the patch of red in his hair, his hands trembling, "I don't mean to. It just happens."
"But you're angry for the most dumb fucking reasons!" Gerard snapped. Frank was taken aback. He never thought he'd ever hear Gerard cuss. Let alone snap at someone.
"Every time I say something nice, you have to throw a damn fit!" Gerard continued, "Have you never realized any of this? Your rude behavior? The first day I spoke properly to you, you told me I was strange and you scolded me when I said I enjoyed singing. You were blatantly rude when I tried to help you and hardly said thank you! The day after, you called me a faggot! Do you understand that other people have feelings?"
Frank blinked harshly, "I'm sorry I just-"
"That's not even all of it!" Gerard's voice began to raise and his hands balled into tight fights, "I gave you a flower, Frank. And you pushed it away. Even though I barely knew you, it still hurt my feelings." Gerard sniffled and rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his jacket, tears brimming at his eyes .
"I never meant to hurt you." Frank told the boy softly, his voice cracking toward the end.
A tear dripped from Gerard's bright eyes, causing Frank to physically cringe. "Please don't cry. I don't want you to cry."
Gerard let out a whimper and pulled his knees into his chest, resting his chin on his knees as tears continued to fall onto the denim of his jeans, "I'm going to be taken away, Frank."
"W-what?"
"I just wanted a friend who could be nice to me and not constantly judge me."
"I'm not judging-"
"I wanted a friend who wouldn't be so fucking insecure to the extent of blaming me for them self turning into a fucking Diff."
"Gerard please-"
"I don't know what I was thinking honestly. Do you even know what it's like?" A choked sob wracked down Gerard's shaking body, "I'm treated like a fucking circus freak. Every. Damn. Day. I shouldn't have been so stupid and naive to think that you would actually want to be my fucking friend. A stupid, naive and disgusting Diff. I'm better off being executed."
"Stop saying such things, please." Frank begged, a lump forming in his throat. He slowly wrapped his arm around Gerard's shoulder's, bringing the sobbing boy closer and letting him place his head in the crook of his neck. Gerard still sobbed, his forehead nuzzling against Frank's shoulder as Frank rubbed his trembling back with comfort.
"I'm sorry, Gerard." Frank whispered, "I'm so, so fucking sorry."
Gerard heaved, letting out a low whining noise, "I don't want to fucking be here. I'm such a disappointment, Frank. I'm a Diff, I'm a fucking Diff."
"I'm..I'm not letting you l-leave." Frank's mind itched with all the things he wanted to say to the crying boy. Things that would either drive Gerard away or bring him closer. Gerard's fist clung to the front of Frank's flannel, his deathgrip never loosening as he still cried his damn eyes out.
"I never meant to hurt you, Gerard." Frank repeated, "I've..I've never had a friend like you. Nobody has ever been as kind to me as you are.."
"Bullshit!" Gerard slurred, "It's all fucking bullshit!"
Frank finally wrapped both of his arms around Gerard's frail figure, bringing the pixie-boy almost into his lap as he started rocking him back and forth. Frank had no idea what he was doing, but it felt like an instinct for him to hold Gerard. They were both clearly overwhelmed with emotion and had no other way to handle it.
"Please..please don't cry." Frank continued to beg and beg as his friends salty tears continued to soak his shirt. He didn't even know what Gerard was crying about anymore. "Gerard, you're truly an amazing friend and I promise that I've never meant to hurt your feelings. It's never been my intention."
Gerard ignored him. He hated that the mood had changed so quick, he hated that Frank was sorry and he hated that he was crying in front of the person he was constantly trying to impress.
Frank's bottom lip trembled as he pleaded, "Gerard, listen to me. Please. I won't let the fucking trains take you, okay? They won't take me either. You're fucking doing something to me, do you understand that? You're in my head and it's fucking messing with me. I won't let anyone take you from me ever again. Not like when we were young. Never again. I promise you this. I don't care if you're a Diff because, fucking hell Gerard, my hair is turning red."
Frank continued with a raspy voice as he rocked Gerard in his arms, "When I was asleep the other night I had a dream. I don't think it was a dream, it was a memory. And we were so little and so happy together, you tied my tie for me and we had matching lunch pails. I want us to be happy like that again, okay? I want to recover all of the memories and I want us to act like you were never taken away from me. I..I think we loved each other when were little kids. Little kids love easily, right?"
Gerard's tears began to slow and his whimpers quieted.
"Please just..stop saying you're stupid. Cause you're not. We're going to regain everything we had and it's going to be alright again. Nobody is taking you away from me."
Gerard went quiet finally, but Frank still rocked him until the sun went down completely and he held Gerard closer to keep warm. Frank had no idea what was going on in Gerard's head, but whatever it was, Frank knew they had a silent agreement. Frank was being serious. Nobody was taking Gerard away from him again.
Not even over his dead body.
///
holy shit longest chapter so far and we're at 117 reads?? that's fucking awesome !!! have nice day/night xxx
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Phobia | Frerard
FanfictionGerard doesn't quite understand why his hair turned completely white when he was only nine years old. There's a list of things he doesn't understand, such as why he can't leave the house after 6pm or why his mother was frantic to cover his hair when...
