Flesh and Bone ◇ Bucky Barnes ◇

Chapter XVI: Darkened Eyes

Joana

Every fiber in Joana screamed. Every cell, every nerve, every atom in her being shrieked in agony, but her mouth was shut tight.
She had awoken the next day, proud of her defiance, until she opened her eyes. At the foot of her bed, with a rope around his neck, hanging from the ceiling, was the young Wolf Spider who had unlocked the door for her and Natalia the day before. Once the initial shock settled in, Joana jumped up, running to the boy. Standing on her bed, she lifted him up the best she could.
"Natalia!" She called out with all the voice she could muster. "Natalia!"
The woman lived just across the hall from Joana, and the walls were thin, so she heard her friend yelling clear as day. When Natalia opened the door, she swore a million profanities that Joana didn't know even existed. Natalia jumped on to the bed and pulled grabbed the knife that Joana kept on her bedside table.
She cut the rope and the boy fell on top of Joana as they toppled to the floor. With blurry eyes, Joana felt for a pulse. There was nothing. Natalia was by her side on her knees in seconds.
"Anything?"
Joana didn't respond. Instead, she started pushing against the boy's chest and breathing into his mouth.
"Come on. Come on!" She pressed harder and harder, tears keeping her visions blurry. "Breathe!"
Natalia looked from the boy's face up to Joana's and back. Joana stopped pressing on the boy's chest and started pounding him with her fists. 
"Come. On. Come. On. Breathe!" 
Natalia had tears in her eyes. She didn't know the boy, so his death was no consequence to her, but she saw such pain in Joana's eyes and it hurt her in a way she had never felt before. The boy was dead.
"Joana, stop," Natalia pleaded. "Joana, please."
"Breathe!" 
"Joana! Joana!" Natalia grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away from the boy. "Stop! Just stop. He's dead."
Joana pulled against Natalia's grip, but she wasn't trying hard enough to free herself. 
"I killed him," she breathed, holding Natalia's hands against her shoulders. Her face paled and her hands started to sweat. "It's my fault. I killed him." 
She hung her head, her eyes suddenly dry. She didn't feel like she could cry. The only thing she wanted to do was vomit. She pushed Natalia away from her and crawled over to her personal bathroom. Natalia sat on the floor next to the boy and listened to her friend throw up her insides. She breathed deeply and leaned forward, closing the emerald green eyes of the dead boy. She pet his hair, a single tear in her eyes. 
Remembering a song her mother taught her when she was young, Natalia began to sing. 
U lukomoriya dub zelenyi
Zlataya tsep' na dube tom
I dniem i nochyu kot uchyonyi
Vsyo khodit po tsepi krugom
Idet napravo - pesn' zavodit,
Nalevo - skazku govorit.

Natalia and Joana sat alone at lunch. Joana's face was still pale. She pushed her food around with her fork. Natalia set her fork down on her plate, chewing slowly. 
"What did you mean when you said you killed that boy? You said it was your fault. How could have it been your fault?" Natalia asked. Joana looked her, her eyes bloodshot. 
"His name was Anatoly. He was one of my favorites. He wasn't strong or big like the other recruits. He was smart and he was small. He knew how to use his strengths and how to exploit his enemies' weakness. He wouldn't have given up without a fight," Joana said, a small smile on her face as she pushed her eggs around some more.
"Why did he die?" Natalia asked again, but by the look on her face and the feeling in her heart, she already knew the answer. Joana sighed, not looking up. Out of no where, Joana slammed her fork on the table, startling Natalia and causing the entire dining hall to go silent for a brief second.
"Pierce told me that if I didn't follow his rules, he would start killing the kids I cared about," Joana whispered, her voice harsh and cold and broken. Natalia scowled, about to ask a question, but Joana continued. "I told you something I was forbidden from ever saying ever again so I was supposed to kill you, that was my punishment. But I didn't do that. I disobeyed him, again. Anatoly paid for that. That's two times I disobeyed and one kid that I was supposed to protect is already dead. Who else will pay for my mistakes?" 
Natalia was taken aback for a few moments. Her heart squeezed in her chest and fear gripped her. She was angry with herself because she knew it was her fault, but she expelled her anger on Joana because she wasn't trained to deal with emotions like this. 
"So it was a mistake that you didn't shoot me?" She snapped. Joana sighed irritably, grabbing hold of her fork so tightly that her knuckles turned white. 
"No! Of course not! It was a mistake getting attached to you and to Anatoly. It was a mistake that I let Pierce get under my skin. It was a mistake telling you those things because I not only put my life and Buck- Barnes' life at risk, I put the lives of every child in this building that I have ever come in contact with in danger. Including you. Including Anatoly." Joana's demeanor changed in that moment. The anger and frustration faded from her face. She released the fork and set it down lightly. "And for that, I am truly sorry."
Natalia shook her head, stood, and walked away from her. Joana pushed her plate away and lay her head in her arms, groaning to herself.