Flesh and Bone ◇ Bucky Barnes ◇

Chapter XIX: Classified

Joana

In many stories, when the girl in the hospital wakes up, she does so with the flutter of her eyelids and only slightly confused. However, with Joana, this was not the case.
She awoke with a guttural scream, her heart rate monitor beeping out of control. She shot upward, gasping for breath. Pain exploded in almost every part of her body, causing her to groan and lay back on the bed. Moaning, she rolled back and forth on her bed, unsure what part of her body to cradle. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Everything was on fire. The pain was almost more than she could bare.
She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to block out the pain. She could barely hear a voice calling her name, a pair of hands grabbing her shoulders. She heard distant shouting and felt a quick, sharp pain in her arm. Her pounding heart slowed, her breathing evened out, her eyes finally opened.
With her eyes open, she remembered that she was in the Hospital Ward, hardly able to breathe without agonizing pain erupting in every cell of her body. The pain was dulled by whatever it was the doctor put in her arm.
"I'm sorry, Doc," she said, but her voice was hoarse, probably from all the screaming she had done.
"No harm done, Kegley." Doctor Salazar turned away from her to read her vitals on the monitor. Joana looked around the room. Bucky was sitting in a chair across the room. She would have thought by his posture that he was awake, but his eyes were shut tight. "He's been here for days. Pierce said to make sure you were healed properly, as if I can't do my job. I guess Barnes took that as meaning he had to watch over you."
Joana gave the doctor a weak smile.
"Is it possible to get something to eat, Doc?"
Doctor Salazar pressed his lips together.
"You're in real bad shape, Joana. You've been out for almost a week. We've been feeding you through a tube, but I don't know how much you can eat, or how your body will take it," he said. Joana nodded. "I am sorry, Kegley."
She flashed a smile, before turning her face to her blanket, where she was playing with the frayed ends.
"How long will I be here?"
"A few more weeks. But, Kegley, you won't be able to fight or train any of the recruits for a few months," Doctor Salazar told her. Joana nodded again.
"It's for the best," she replied.
"Take it easy, Kegley," the Doctor said to her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. He left without another word. Once he was gone, Joana lay back in her bed, tears in her eyes. She didn't know why she felt like crying so much. The pain was gone, thanks to whatever drugs the doctor gave her. Yet, her eyes were full of tears.
After a few minutes of silence, she heard someone yelling outside her room.
"No one told me she was awake? Why did no one tell me?" She could recognize Natalia's voice from where she was. A smile crossed her face. Across the room, Bucky's eyes opened. Joana smiled at him, not expecting any response. Natalia came rushing in, her eyebrows knit together, obviously irritated. When she saw Joana with her eyes open, she smiled.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty," she said, sitting in the chair beside her. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I was half beat to death," Joana said, moving to sit up. She groaned as pain shot up through her side.
"Hey, hey. Just, relax," Natalia said, putting a hand on her arm. "Doctor Salazar probably wouldn't tell you this, but you weren't beaten half to death, Joana."
She tilted her head to the side and scowled.
"What do you mean?"
Natalia sighed and looked at her hands.
"Your heart stopped beating for three minutes, Joana. They said you were dead."
Joana sighed, her throat swelling. Her scowl held.
"I...I died? Pierce killed me?" Hurt was evident in Joana's voice.
"Yes, Joana. I'm sorry. With how much blood you lost and for how long you were gone, the Doc doesn't know how much brain damage you suffered," she told her friend. Tears once again returned to Joana's eyes. "I really am sorry, Joana."
"It's okay." She brushed away the tears that managed to escape her eyes. "Thank you for telling me."
After she gained control of her emotions, she looked back up at Natalia, who had guilt written all over her face.
"You look dressed up. Are you going somewhere?" Joana asked, hoping to clear the room of it's depressing air. Natalia managed a weak smile.
"They're sending me on a mission. It was supposed to be your mission, but seeing as you're here...." Natalia didn't finish the thought. "Anyway, I guess that means you're better than I am, if I'm your backup."
Joana let out a pained laugh.
"Please, Natalia, don't be brash. You've always been a better agent than I am. You're better at controlling your emotions, not letting things get to you." The images she tried to bury in her mind of Anatoly, Aleksi, Danika, all the other people she had killed, flashed through her mind. She shook the thoughts away and looked back up at Natalia. She expected a bemused smile, or at least a strained chuckle, but Natalia had tears in her eyes and her mouth was agape.
"How could you possible think that, Joana? How could you think that I have better control over my emotions when-" Natalia froze. She dare not say the rest of the sentence-- anyone could be listening-- but Joana knew what Natalia was going to say. How could Joana say that Natalia had better control of her emotions when it was her emotions that got her into this hospital bed?
Despite the pain, Joana reached forward and grabbed Natalia's hand.
"This isn't your fault, Natalia Romanova. I made this choice. I did." Joana looked away from Natalia's face and towards the video camera above their head. It didn't matter what she said now. Pierce wouldn't dare hurt her more. "Natalia, listen to me. This mission, it's your chance."
"What...what do you mean?"
"You can get out. Run away. You're the best Widow I've trained. You can escape and they won't ever be able to find you."
Before Joana said anything else, Natalia stood, pulling her hand away from Joana's.
"I can't, Joana. I can't leave." She looked over her shoulder at Bucky, who had his arms crossed, having watched the entire scene. "I don't know when I'll be back. Hopefully, you'll be out of this bed and back where you belong."
Natalia turned away from Joana and left the room. Joana heard her heels clicking all the way down the hall. Joana felt the tears in her eyes again. This wasn't where she belonged. She didn't belong on a training mat or in a secret base. She didn't belong in Russia. She didn't even belong in whatever decade they were in.
Joana belonged in Brooklyn. She belonged in the 1930s. She belonged in her Grams' shop. She belonged fighting on the streets. She belonged with her sister. She belonged with her best friend. She belonged with Bucky. Her lower lip quivered. She faced the ceiling as the tears in her eyes started to spill. She breathed deeply through her nose, trying to keep the snot in her nose. She couldn't even wipe away the tears because of the cast on one hand and the gauze on the other. The tears frustrated her. After all these years, she thought she might have gotten over the crying, but here she was.
"It's alright to cry," a voice said from across the room. Joana lowered her head and looked over at Bucky. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Joana let out a dry laugh and looked away, a few more of the tears falling from her eyes. Confusion crossed his face
"I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but you're lucky," Joana said, trying to swallow the tears. Bucky opened his mouth to protest, but she continued talking before he could. "You  don't remember the things they did to us in the early days. You probably don't remember what they did to us last year. But the thing is, Barnes, I do. I remember all of it. Every second of the torture, every moment we were together, every second we were apart, it's all crystal clear in my mind."
She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry," he said, but his voice was barely above a whisper and she could hardly hear him. A smile crossed her face; a pitiful, sad smile.
"It's not your fault. But when we get out of this and you start to remember the things that were, don't expect things to be easy...for either of us."
Bucky simply dipped his head, as if acknowledging what she said but not fully understanding. He stood, as if he intended to leave, but stopped before making it to the door.
"I may have remembered something, for a second," he said, his voice low enough to not be heard by the camera. Joana glanced over at it. With his back to the camera, they wouldn't know he was talking to her.
"For example?" Joana's heart pounded in her chest. Her stomach shifted and moved. She hated getting her hopes up, but maybe, just maybe, after all these years, she could catch a break for once.
"I'm not sure. Feelings, emotions,  mostly."
"Like what?"
"I can't quite place it. I remember brick buildings. Loud music. Shelves full of thread. Sewing needles. And this... feeling... in my chest. It was like a squeezing feeling, but it was good," he said to her. Tears gathered in her eyes, but for once, they were tears of joy because those were memories of Brooklyn. He remembered the buildings on the streets. He remembered the Nightclubs they snuck into. The thread and sewing needles, those were from her Grams shop.
With a quivering lip, she smiled.
"That's very good," she replied. He looked up at her and for the first time in forever, she saw Bucky in his eyes. It wasn't the Winter Soldier and it wasn't the man who was in love with Natalia. It was Bucky, her Bucky.
"You were there?" He asked her, even quieter. Natalia nodded, afraid that if she opened her mouth, the tears that would follow would not leave. "Was it good?" She nodded again.
"Yes. Yes." She let out a joyous laugh. "Yes, it was very good."
Bucky nodded, confusion still everywhere on his face. He suddenly straightened, and the man Joana loved was gone once again. He nodded at her, as if she was once again nothing more than his Partner, and left her room.