The ghost of us

In the Beginning

I thought we had everything, and then we turned out to have nothing at all. Isn't that funny; How quickly someone can just change their mind?

It wasn't enough, it never was, was it?

"I wish I had someone who loved me.." That was the sentence, the eight words that started it all.

"I'm in love with you.." The response that made it real.

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Octavia and I have always had a very intense thing; whether it be in our friendship, the moments of hatred, our romance, or love. Through all of it though, all of the bulshit we went through, she was my best friend through thick and thin. At least I thought she was; but I was wrong. I guess a love like ours, a love so powerful and intense... well it ruins everything beautiful and good in it's path- kind of like an atomic bomb.

Quiet honestly, I don't know why I even think about her anymore.It's not like it will make it any better or change her mind. Maybe it's because she was my first real everything, perhaps it was how well we clicked. I don't think I'll ever know either, and maybe that's for the best. When I do think about her though, it's very fondly. I think I'll always think of her in the best light.

It could be another reason completely though, the reason that I refuse to accept. I was still in love with Octavia Rhae Lorell; But that's unimportant.

In the beginning we were so in love and it was so intense. Actually, it's the closest I've ever gotten to that Gomez and Morticia Addams type of love that everyone wants- The thing that no one tells you about that type of love though, is that its so intense and it burns so fiercely and wildly that when it burns out, the smoke linger for years; causing the pain to become etched into your skin, clothes, the walls around you. No one warns you of how badly it hurt when that Addams type of love dissipates.- We fought a lot and we barley agreed on anything, but she was my light, my sunshine on a cloudy day, and I was her 'dark princess'. Ha, I still love that name.

Here's the thing about our love though; we lived 2,914 miles apart. Let me say that again, we lived 2,914 miles apart for the entirety of our relationship. I lived in California and she lived in New York.

We had never met, never touched, never looked into each other's eyes, and let me be the first to tell you how gut-wrenching and hard that single stipulation was. To this day I still wonder if her hands were soft like a silk sheet, what her black hair smelled like, how would her lips taste or her breath feel against my skin? Then, there was the longing for things as complex as her finger running down my spine, the tickle of her hair on my chest, the intoxicating way she probably kissed, and the way our bodies would have tangle together as we drank each other in, in pure bliss.

But those are things are as unimportant as my love for her, at least to her. Octavia and I were together for 5 years, from the ripe and curious age of thirteen, to the maturing and flourishing age of eighteen. We had made it through our angsty teenage years and into our early adulthood as a strong and untouchable couple- okay, maybe that was a stretch- to a couple of young adults who hardly recognized each other anymore. Strangers who barley spoke a syllable to one another.

The way we fell apart was seamless, beautiful even, in the mind of a poet. To an eighteen year old who was dangerously in love though? I swore my entire world had just crumbled to my feet. Every night the neighbors probably heard me crying 'the sky is falling!' and to me, it truly was, at least it didn't feel any different.

She had given up on me, but who could even blame her? The way my life was going at the moment, I would have left me too. Isn't that fucked up?

But how she left me, the whats, whens, and whys don't really matter, its the relationship we shared that matters.

I loved Octavia more than I ever knew I was capable of, and by some surprise she loved me back just as much. So, that's why when she bought a ring and proposed to me over skype, that I said yes.

In the beginning, things were so great, I was more than sure that her and I would be together forever...

I lost my chance, and now I'll never get another one.

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My name is Scarlet Crimson Jameson. yeah my name sucks, and I'm currently 21 years old. I still live in California and Octavia Rhea Lorell and I haven't spoken in three years. So many things have changed, not just about me but with her as well I'm sure.

You see, Octavia wound up with a guy, and they are now getting married. So much for in the beginning.

This is my story.... our story.