Under the Lights | j.b

secrets (z)and lies

"You can stop staring at him now." 

Justin and Alyssa had gone back to the kitchen under the guise of checking on dinner, but really I knew they were just trying to give Maddie and I space.

I have to admit, I definitely hadn't left for class this morning and expected to come home and find my best friend and my biggest secret sitting in the same room as each other.

"Right, sorry." I had no idea what I was apologising for, I definitely wasn't sorry that I had been caught checking Justin out but it didn't stop me from feeling the least bit flustered. 

"You know you could have told me?" Maddie's statement sounded nonchalant enough, but we had been friends for nearly our whole lives and I could read the underlying question of, 'why didn't you tell me?'

It made me think that although she didn't necessarily look it, she was a little hurt. 

"Actually," I wanted to be honest with her, it's not that I didn't want to anyone it was that I couldn't. "I signed a non-disclosure agreement stipulating my silence, and I don't really have the ten million dollars I would need to pay up if I broke it."

Something in Maddie's expression changed from tense, to sympathetic. "That sounds lonely, you weren't allowed to talk about it at all?"

"Alyssa knew, so I could talk her about it. But besides that..." I trailed off, only now realising that I had never really thought of my inability to discuss my relationship with Justin as a cause of loneliness. Was it weird that I never felt lonely?

Justin's laughter had my gaze shifting towards them again. Alyssa seemed to be dramatically telling a story that involved the use of different facial expressions while Justin stirred the contents of a large pot. 

Watching them made something warm settle inside me and the feeling must have made itself evident externally too because a moment later, Maddie spoke up from beside me. 

"Does he know how you feel about him?"

If I turned to face her any faster, I would have snapped my neck. "What?" 

"Justin," She whispered to me, "Does he know you love him?" 

"I don't!" I immediately responded, although it didn't take a genius to figure out that maybe my reaction didn't come across as convincing as I had hoped. 

Maddie raised an eyebrow knowingly but let the conversation slide. "Oh my God!" She brightened again, "So when he liked your instagram post you guys were together?"

I shook my head in response. That reminded me that I still needed to kill Justin for that. I was still on the receiving end of some nasty comments. "We aren't together, we were never actually together."

Maddie's blue eyes pondered me thoughtfully, "Sounds complicated." 

I exhaled deeply, "Tell me about it." 

"Still," Maddie added, "He makes you happy. You never smiled like that with Will."

A weight settled beside me and an arm wrapped around my shoulder,  "Who's Will?"

Panic surged inside me, I wasn't ready to have this conversation and I wasn't really sure I ever would be.

Sensing my discomfort Maddie quickly changed the subject, 'I really should be going. But Sash, breakfast on Saturday?" 

"I, um..." I didn't want to give anything about Justin's surprise away so I needed to be careful with my response. "I'll text you." I finally answered.