The colour grey // phan

Goodbye.

When I first got to hospital I stared at the ceiling because I had nothing better to do. Staring at the ceiling, I knew I should be afraid.
But in all the chaos and pain only one emotion rushed through my mind. Relief. It'll be over soon. Dan Howell, gone for good. And this is my goodbye Phil. It's been a wild ride. The day I met you I knew you were some sort of gift god had given to me, not that I believe in god. But you yourself are like a god to me. Every whisper, every movement, every kiss, made me feel like I was right at home. Who knew that home could be a person? You gave me a tomorrow every day, you gave me a life every time I died inside. Your eyes phil, they are so beautiful, I hope they don't shed too many tears. I'm going to tell you a little story now.
Once upon a time, I lived in a small house. I would go for runs and walks everyday except for in the winter. It wasn't because I didn't want to get sick, it was because I was afraid of the cold. Even in my warmest jackets, the cold managed to reach my heart. I just couldn't bear the thought of me, falling over in the snow. I'm still scared Phil, of the cold. And it's getting awfully cold in here. Maybe it's just me. Imagining things. I love you so much. You are my everything. I've been so afraid of death all of my life and it's finally time to face it. I'm weak and I think I'm already in the process of death. I don't want you to be sad. Because I'm not sad. This is good bye but I'd rather it be a 'see you again' which I will. One day. One day we will see each other and we will live and love together in peace. You remind me of the sky. A grey sky. Like how the sky was on the day I met you. I love you always my beautiful grey boy. See you on the other side.
I find peace in the rain, I hope you do too.
- Daniel Howell.

Sent at 4:37 am.

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