Hello, My Name Is Daniel

Entry Sixteen

"But I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique."

        -Jesus Christ, Brand New

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Ace,

     At first I blamed it on me. No one knows that I lie every time I open my mouth. No one knows that my life is a lie. And I blamed myself.

But then I didn't.

Because I looked every single one of those fuckers in the eyes and no one could see that I was lying. No one knew me well enough to know that it was a lie. No one know the way I looked honest.

No one knew me.

      And that hurts. It stings so fucking bad. I've been on this earth for how many years now? And yet, no one knew who the fuck i was.

     Then I went back to blaming myself. Because I've lied for so long, how can I expect them to tell.

I can't even tell.

     But that doesn't stop me from wishing they could. From wishing that maybe someday someone would tell me to stop bull-shitting my way through life.

     Then I think of Alice. Because she understood. I wouldn't be in this shit hole if she wasn't lead to believe it was the best place for me to "get better".

     And I know I don't have room to be picky but I want to be loved. Alice cares, she does. Alice cares about me, someone cares. But siblings grow apart. You go from sharing a room, to sharing a roof, to sharing a phone call every holiday, until the only thing you have in common is the woman you came out of and the man who helped. And I'm terrified of that day.

     Which is why I upped my game. Mrs. Parker told me that at my rate, I should be able to go home within a few months. When I get Alice back (Yes, when there are no ifs about the situation) I want to find someone who loves me. Someone that isn't Alice because over everything else, I know that I am holding her back from the full life she could have and I can't keep being selfish with her. No, It would be for the best. And if I can't find someone then I can at least say that I tried. Alice would be proud. i'm going to try...

fuck. 

-Daniel