Don't trust yourself.

Why Do I Have To Be Short?

I have been staring at my reflection for three straight days.
I feel like nothing is real anymore. There's nothing I want more then to be dead, but I'm too scared. I haven't eaten anything or even left my room. No one will even notice if I'm gone.
I looked at myself again for the millionth time, my hair was in knots and tangles, my skin has turned sickly pale, and there are dark bags under my eyes. I am sick just looking at myself. I am sick of just sitting in this god awful house. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of everything. I finally made up my mine and started to get dressed.
I got up and changed into jean shorts, a Lakers jersey, and some Nike shoes. I put some deodorant and perfume on. I brushed all the nots out of my hair, which took longer than I thought it would, then I brushed my teeth and stood in front of the door and took a deep breath.
I looked back into my empty house seeing clothes everywhere, and blankets on the floor. I slowly reached for the knob and opened the door. It was hot.
The sun was right overhead, the grass was as green as emeralds, the sky as blue as my toe nail polish that was slowly chipping away.
I took a step forward, than another until I stood in the middle of my yard. I released a sigh that I didn't even know I was holding and I smiled. For the first time in what seemed like ages, I smiled. Not a smile of happiness, but of relief that nothing outside the house has changed.
I started walking down the street, but walking became jogging and jogging became sprinting until I was running full speed down the pavement with my arms stretched out wide. The wind made my hair fly up in the back and bring tears to my eyes because it stung them.
I stopped in front of the park to catch my breath because I am very out of shape. I walked over to the park bench to take a breather and to look around. Birds flew by overhead and children giggled on the jungle gym. I remember when I was in elementary school my parents brought me here all the time, but things got bad after a while. Anxiety, that's all my parents told me anyway. They said that i needed less stress and more happiness, so they did everything they could for me to be happy and I loved them for it. They made me the happiest child that I could be and even now I'm so very thankful for them. I remembered everything about them and tears almost came to my eyes. I can't be here anymore, I need to go somewhere else.
I started to stand up, but as I did, I bumped into something or someone. My first reaction was to apologize, but I am new and I'm not a polite person right now. "Watch it!" I said in a less demanding voice than I wanted it to be. A boy looked down at me and laughed, "Aren't you supposed to be in school little miss middle schooler?" My face turned red, but not in embarrassment.
"Listen up asshole! I have had a very stressful week and if you think I'm going to let you look down on me and tell me that, you are something else!" I'm not very good at insults, but cussing always works right? He looked down at me in disbelief and started to laugh, and I don't mean giggle I mean full on hunched over, stomach grabbing, laughter. I cleared my throat, he looked down at me.
"Fine I will not look down on you anymore!" He stated as he grabbed me by the waist and lifted me onto the park bench. Let's just say my face was like a tomato. "Is that better?" I nodded a little, not making eye contact with him. There was an awkward silenced but he quickly piped up, "Oh, hey! You like basketball? I can't believe a girl like you would like it!"
All I could think was, did he really just said that?
I nodded, "Yeah I watch basketball. And I can't believe a guy like you can be so sexist."
He smiled, "Sorry, it wasn't supposed to come out like that, it's just a lot of girls around here don't really like that kind of stuff." Oh, I guess he's right. The girls around here are more into fashion than sports, but hey what do you expect when you live in California. I nodded and sat down on the bench, hugging my knees.
The boy sat next to me.
"So why has this week been so stressful for you? Your parents not giving you allowance? People picking on you? Guys hitting on you?" I looked at him confused for a second then remembered what I yelled at him about.
"Something to do with parents and you're the only boy, besides the pizza man," And policemen, but I'm not bringing them up, "who I have talked to within the last couple of mouths." He looked over at me and smiled, his teeth were so white and straight. "Your smile is beautiful." I blurted out. I quickly blushed and covered my mouth, I totally need to stop saying what comes to mind!
He looked at me, "Well, I think you're beautiful in general." I swear I blushed to my ears. I quickly buried my head in my knees. "My name is Roland Fads, what's yours?"
I peaked up at him with one eye, "What kind of name is Roland?"
He laughed, "For your information my name means 'famous' in Latin because that's what I'm going to be! And also, I asked for your name, not your opinion."
I giggled a bit. "My name is Indie Wayward."
He smiled, "A lovely name for a lovely girl."
I laugh harder, "You know, you say really cheesy things."
He nodded, "I know! Also, your name can mean bountiful, so you might make me 'bountifully famous'!"
I dropped my knees, my feet hovering over the ground as I hunched forward laughing, "How do you know what my name means?"
He scowled at me, "You don't have to laugh so hard and I like looking up names to see what they mean, so what's your full name?"
I looked at him for a couple of seconds then recited my name, "Indie Milada Audrey Wayward." He looked at me a moment like he was putting intricate numbers together. Every time he blinked his long dark eyelashes would brush against his ivory skin and his green, blue eyes stared contently into the distance, while the wind blew his brown hair backwards, then he turned to me and smiled. I quickly turned my head, not wanting him to think I was staring at him.
"Your name is quite interesting you know."
I looked at him confused,"Why do you say that?"
He sat up straight and turned more towards me, "Right, so your first name means 'bountiful', correct?"
I nodded, "That's what you told me anyways."
"Well Milada means 'my love', while Audrey means 'noble strength', then your last name Wayward means 'always changing'. So if I were to make a sentence with your name it would be, 'My love is always changing with noble strength that is bountiful'."
I laughed a little, "That makes me sound bad!"
He chuckled, "Then you make a sentence with it!"
I thought for a moment, "My love is a noble strength that is always changing with bounty."
He smiled, "Good one."
I stood up and curtsied, "Of course." I giggled and sat back down. "So what's your full name?"
He looked at me and with a a very cheerful voice answered me, "My full name, Miss. Indie Milada Audrey Wayward, is Roland Maximus Fads."
I laughed.
"Such pompous names you have, Maximus!"
He laughed, "Hey, I didn't name myself!"
I leaned back on the park bench. "So, what do your names mean?"
He smiled, "I'm glad you asked! Alright, I told you what Roland means, so Maximus means 'Savior', while Fads means to 'fade away'."
I frowned and looked over at Roland,"So you are 'A famous savior that fades away? That's so sad"
He grinned, "Yeah it is, but as least I will be someone's savior."
I smiled.
Why can't I have confidence like that? Why can't I be tall like him? Why can't I have a good life like him? All these stupid questions again. I put my hands over my head.
"Hey, is everything okay?" He looked at me with a frown.
He's worried?
"Y-yeah I'm fine, just a headache. I should be getting home soon." He nodded.
"My parents will probably beat me if I'm late again, how 'bout yours?"
I thought for a moment, "No one is waiting for me."
He looked at me and smiled, "Parents work late? Lucky!"
I shook my head, "Not really." He smiled, then looked absolutely shocked and started to dig into his pockets, pulling out a phone.
"I never got your number!"
I giggled, "You never asked!"
We laughed together and something in my chest that was empty felt filled, but not completely. We exchanged cellphones numbers and started on our way to our houses.
Roland's house was in the other direction of my own.
I soon arrived home and as soon as I got in and closed the door I slid my way from standing to leaning on the door to hugging my knees, with a big smile on my face. The sadness in my heart had been replaced with happiness in one afternoon with a boy I just met. I stood up and got my phone and put it on the loudest it could go, then...
I called the pizza man.