I Wanna Be Your Man

Crying, Waiting, Hoping

Chapter 20: Crying, Waiting, Hoping

13 Aug 1965

Life is such a constant struggle. My life lately is just so stressful, I just can't stand it. The lads tour of America starts in 2 days, but they're leaving tomorrow. All four of them and Brian have still been arguing over Ritchie going with then and leaving if I have the baby while he's gone. Almost every minute they spend arguing.

Then there's me. Since Brian told us about the tour I've just felt so down. Listening to them constantly argue over what will happen if I have Zak while they're gone really upsets me. Ritchie, Paul and George are for Ritchie coming home if they baby's born, while Brian and John are more against it. It pains me seeing them like this, it's all my fault. All of it's my fault. I can honestly say that depression has slowly taken over my life since then. All I do is lay in bed or sit in the backyard all alone. I don't really talk to anyone anymore, hardly even Ritchie. I don't feel like I'm eating right or sleeping right anymore. Honestly I'm just one big mess.

Anyway, it was just another depressing day. Ritchie's doing last minute packing before he leaves tomorrow and I'm just laying in bed. He's been trying to talk to me all day, but I haven't said anything back.

"Pam, love, talk to me."

I didn't answer him.

"Please, talk to me. You haven't hardly talked since Eppy told us about the tour. Please."

Once again I didn't answer him, it was just too hard to.

He shut his suitcase and sat on the edge of the bed by me. "Julianna Pamela Starkey, you need to talk to me. We need to talk about this."

Ugh, I hate whenever someone calls me by my whole name. Well, more or less when either my brother or dad call me it. But Ritchie, he hasn't called me by my whole name since the day we got married.

"There's nothing to talk about, Richard. This whole thing needs to be dropped. I can't stand you all arguing. This is all my fault."

"Pam, none of this is your fault, none of it. Things happen, the lads and I will be fine."

"But will we be fine? You being gone on tour and me being here alone when the baby comes scares me. Zak's our first child and you might miss it.." Tears started to form in my eyes.

He placed his hand on my stomach and rubbed it. "I hope that Zak will wait a little longer till I get home for him to come out. But if he does come on time I know you'll be okay, you're a tough woman. And if I'm gone while it happens then use to hospital phone and call me. I'll get you a list of where we'll be and you can call me there. No matter where we are or if we're in the middle of a concert I'll try to answer."

I smiled at him, it meant a lot to see how hard he's been trying to make this work.

"Alright love, everyone's coming over soon for a goodbye before we leave. We should start to head downstairs now."

I heaved myself out of bed. Ritchie grabbed ahold of my arm and helped me out of the bedroom. We walked a few feet until we reached the one thing I hated the most: stairs. Getting me up and down the stairs takes a good 10 minutes. He held tightly onto my hand as we went down the stairs. It seemed to take me more time to make it to the bottom, it was much harder than usual.

"I hate stairs soo much." I made my way over to the couch and flopped down on it.

Ritchie smiled at me. "I know you do, soon you'll be able to walk up and down them normal again."

After that there was a knock at door. Oh boy, they're here. Hooray..

Ritchie walked over to the door, gladly it was just Paul and George.