sorry » im youngmin

1.0

i never felt so dumb in my entire life. how could i ever thought that you were in love with me? you were so perfect. you're smart, goodlooking, kind, and no doubt, i fell in love with you. you were not like any other guys. you lent me your listening ear whenever i felt troubled. you tried to cheer me up whenever i was down. you didn't spread rumours about me, about my secrets to anyone else. i practically told you my entire life, yet you kept it to yourself, only you. you were the only one who knew my troubles. you were the only one who knew my flaws. you were the only guy who were friends with me, for me. how could i not fall in love with you? i couldn't resist myself.

you looked so cute when you smile. and remember when you attempted to tie my hair? and also when you kept poking my head because i was taking abit too long to answer your question. remember in the midst of joking around, we held hands, for a good 5 seconds. we were fighting over your phone, and when you put your hands on mine, reaching for your phone, i liked it. it was only for a few seconds, yet that small memory is still fresh in my mind. it was the closest i could ever get for you to hold me. you were smiling widely, you teased me about my secrets. you said you were going to spread rumours if i did not return your phone. i knew you won't anyway. and remember when we were at the beach? we were with our friends but it felt like it was only you and i. we saw the sunrise and sunset together and have i ever mentioned that you looked good with sweatpants and a hoodie? it was a nice memory. it was a nice view. seeing you against the sunset, i'm in love all over again. and the campfire. it was not only the fire that's burning that night, it was the amount of love i have for you. i treasured you. i cherished you. i loved you.

but such a shame, i was not the only one. you knew other girls' secrets too. you were so friendly with other girls that it hurts me. but i wasn't in the position to get mad at you. i wasn't in the position to get jealous anyways. because, you werent mine. how i wished you was, though. i dreamt alot about you. i fantasized us being a couple, going on an arcade date, or even a theme park date. i felt happy for a moment. i felt happy imagining the possibility of us. i didnt want to face the reality. it was hard for me to. it was hard for me to get used to seeing you holding hands with another girl, in the streets. it was hard for me to hear your friends teasing you about her. they used to tease you about me. what happened?

i thought there were something between us, that you liked me too. your friends teased me about you, i thought it was real. i thought. was i dumb, did i really not catch on the hidden meanings behind their teasings? were they mocking me on the one-sided love story between me and you? did they knew how much i loved you? was i the one being delusional? was it just all in my head? did i really loved you that much, that all i could ever think of was you? why did i loved you so much, even though i knew very well that i didn't stand a chance?

were you really giving me false hope all this while? did you really liked me? or did you think it was fun playing with my feelings? we talked alot for 3 months and we stopped after that. but my feelings didn't. it stayed, for the next 2 years. did i really loved you that much, for me to not look at anyone else but you?

then, you found yourself a girlfriend. she's drop dead gorgeous. she's cute, smart, rich, and yours.

everything that i'm not, and can never be. i guess, i'm abit too crazy to even think that our relationship would work out. i guess i'm abit too crazy to still have feelings for you. i guess i'm abit too crazy to still think of the possibility of us. because it would never happen. you were too good for me. you were too perfect. everytime i passed by you in school, my heart aches. the pain from this one-sided relationship, you'd never imagine. you were the first guy i cried for. you were the first guy i fell in love with. you were also the first guy to break my heart. though you didn't meant to, because you didn't know i was in pain. you didn't know how much i loved you. no one knew. faults on me though, for being heads over heels for you. for loving you so much.

but now, i passed by your girlfriend walking with a guy that is not you. my heart broke, for you. she looked happy with him. just so you know, i could have loved you better than her. i could have given you my never-ending love. i could have showered you with more love than she would ever. i promise i would be loyal to you, because you were all that i ever wanted, and needed. i would love you with all my heart but it was too late. you are too far away now.

i looked at the only photograph of us, hanged on my bedroom wall. what if i confessed my love before she did, or before you developed feelings for her. would things ever be different? would you change your heart and only look at me? i knew i could have taken a better care of you. i would never hurt, harm you. you were everything i needed, i would protect you. and if i did, would you still be alive? will you be right here by my side?

i'm sorry.

i was too blinded with my love for you, that i did not noticed your eyes when you talked to me. 2 years ago, i did not ever imagine that you would be hurting inside. i was too selfish, only thinking for myself. so much for loving you, when i couldn't even read you. i didn't realised, all the fake smiles you gave me, you didn't want me to worry. despite you spending hours, comforting me during my darkest days, i did not realised that you needed it more than me. i'm sorry, for being ignorant. i only wanted to feel that you cared for me, i did not realised the scars on your wrist. i was such a bad friend to you. all your laughters then, were almost fake, yet i did not realised anything was amiss. how selfish of me? you needed me, i could have supported you, but i didn't. i could have stayed by your side and lent you a listening ear just like how you did, but i didn't. i didn't, and that is what is killing me these few days. would it be any difference, if i did? you were suffering beside me, yet, as a friend i did not noticed you holding back your tears. i'm sorry. and probably that's what she did that i didn't. she probably noticed your sad eyes, the scars on your wrist. she was there for you and i wasn't. maybe she did took a better care of you better than i would ever. and i am sorry for that, for not noticing anything. but it doesnt make a difference now. i couldn't bring you back. no amount of sorry's would ever bring you back alive. but every single part of me yearns for you. i miss you, so fucking much.