Jokes

Clean jokes

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food

A guest calls a waiter and complains "Why are the no chairs at our table?" The waiter shrugs, "You only booked a table"

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Mother: Why didn't you use a mat?

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn't stand a chance.

I've been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up. I went today but not one person would stroke me..

How many gorillas can fit into a car? Eight. How many chickens can fit into a car? None because the car is already full of gorillas.

A girl asks a boy: How much do you love me?
Boy: look up at the stars and count them, that's how much I love you.
Girl: but there are no stars..
Boy: exactly!

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: "Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!" The boy sagged in relief: "Oh, good that it wasn't new."

I've always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

Me: woah I just fell of a 30ft ladder.
Friend: omg are you ok?
Me: yeh luckily I was only on the first step.