I guess you could say it all started when I was born. The need to fight but constantly unable to when people are constantly crushing you under their feet. My parents, if we're going to name people.
Had a known my future, I would have done things so much differently.
My parents didn't love me, nor did they even try to take care of me. I was an accident, one of their nights where they just didn't care about the outcomes. They thought they could get away with it. Unfortunately, I ended up on planet Earth with parents who only cared for themselves.
At the age of five, I can remember being struck across the face by my dad. What had I done? I can't remember. The memory sticks with me because, well, that was the first time my dad had ever hit me like that. It already gave me an idea of who he was.
At the age of ten, I was kicked out of the house for a night. Why? Because I asked Mama if I could go outside and play. When she said no, I kept asking every few minutes, hoping she had changed her mind. I was little. I didn't know any better. Eventually, she got fed up and let me go outside. 'Go' as in kicking me out.
When I turned fourteen, my parents and I went on a vacation to the beach. I had never been before, never knew what to expect. During that time, I was learning how to swim. You can't really blame me for not knowing how. My parents never let me do anything but study and chores. It was unfair.
My dad tried drowning me. I knew better than to trust him, but part of me hoped that he would have a change of heart. It was all the exact opposite. I distantly remember tried swimming to the shore but with no swimming practice, I slowly took in a bunch of water to my lungs and gave up. Like it was yesterday, I can see the waves on the surface as I sink down into the dark abyss of death. I didn't feel any pain. It was peaceful and I was ready. The glare of the sun on the water was the last thing I saw before waking up in hospital, the man that saved me sitting in the chair next to my bed. I still know him to this day.
After that, I steered clear of my parents over the years. I did what was told, I never back talked. I never talked. That is where my muteness began. It was better to keep quiet and unharmed then talkative and scratched. If they were still here, they would say I was great at cleaning. Yeah. I was. Because that's all I ever did. You can guess how I reacted when one of my neighbors delivers the news that they had been killed in a car crash one night.
I cried my eyes out. Not in joy either.
They had treated me like scum, yet, somehow, I found love for them. I still love them to this day, despite the traumatic memories I live with every time I open and close my eyes.
For many years, I lived with my grandfather until I was old enough to move out. Jasper isn't the biggest place around but I was happy. Finally happy. Eventually I was left alone because my grandfather had died from cancer. I was, and still am, the only (L/n) left. Not just in Jasper but the whole world as well.
Life was good, slow, and peaceful until Mark happened to show up...
•••
You slump into the backseat of Bee, staring out of his tinted window and at the sky lit up with deadly hot sunlight.
You couldn't do it anymore. After you had blown everyone's mind, Optimus finally got you to calm down and offered to take you home. Now you regret your actions, but in your mood of shame and burning hatred, you snap at him. The thing is, he took it like a champ and didn't say a word.
"You think I want to be near you?" You hissed at him through the tears. "No. I don't." Then you stalked off to your next best bot friend and asked if he could take you home.
You haven't said anything since. Something was eating away at you in the worst way possible. Maybe it was the look that crossed over his face after you had said your true feelings. Instead of being hurt for you, he was just hurt. Even if the other Autobot's weren't the ones getting fussed at, it still stung. It definitely impacted Optimus. Now you have to live with that guilt until the next time you get a chance to 'speak' with him. You don't plan on speaking. You haven't done it in over nine years.
Questions keep running through your head, almost like they were taunting you.
What kind of pain was Optimus' optics filled to the brim with? Did he watch you leave the base or did he feel too cut to even look in your direction? Would he ever want to talk with you again?
It made you feel alone again. Like when your parents first passed away. You're not there with him, cuddled up to his warm metal and staring into his love seeping optics that made you get shivers. Now you're alone again.
What have I done...
----
This chapter is unedited.
Mini chapter bc why not, yo?
