TEASE. - The Memoir

4. Skyline

4. Skyline

Late night adventures exploring the city reached a new level of satisfaction with the boy whose story I dive into in this next chapter. My favorite time with him began with us sitting at one of my favorite Minneapolis skyline viewing locations one cool night in June. We originally wanted to go see a movie but plans fell through so we decided to explore the city instead, managing to get to know each other better than we had originally thought we would.

"I did theater in high school too," he revealed after a few exchanges into our conversation. The fading sunset and glowing lights of the skyscrapers reigned before us like a tempting throne waiting for a conqueror. Despite the temptation, however, we just sat there, admiring the beauty from afar.

Maybe we stayed because we didn't want the conversation to end.

"And you stopped performing after graduating as well?" I asked as I studied the skyline before us. I noticed the buildings that were already built and complete, and I appreciated their beauty. More important was the potential displayed in several cranes decorating the outskirts, all working to add to the skyline. The growing grandeur of it all was mindblowing to me, just as mind blowing as the grandeur of an orchestra. In a post-How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful world, trumpets and various brass instruments seemed to fit the beauty of skylines perfectly. Now, whenever I look at the silhouette of a city, I hear beautiful orchestration forming in the back of my mind.

"Yeah, theater may be glamorous once you have made it in, but getting there doesn't come without a price..." He replied, echoing my gaze to the cranes. His words reminded me of all the sacrifices and compromises I made for theater in high school.

"You're right, theater can be cutthroat." I commented, my mind suddenly connecting the expensive glamour of show business to the beauty of a skyline. "It's almost like this view, you know?" I added, pointing out with my hand toward the skyscrapers. "It all looks so beautiful, like how an overture to a musical can sound so nice. But the cranes it took to build the buildings and the writer it takes to write and produce a memorable song, now that's not nearly as glorious. At least not in the public eye." I threw a junior mint into my mouth after completing my thought, awaiting his next comment.

"I agree. I guess you just have to pick and choose what you go cutthroat for," he spoke as if from a distance. He was deep in thought. These types of moments were the ones I lived for, when I'm able to enable someone's mind to journey through a previously unknown perspective. And I don't like doing it to change their mind, I like doing it so they could challenge their own. My goal is never to convince, but to reveal. It was these types of moments that made me feel alive.

Skyline, your stare toward the city that night gave you your track name. Your eyes examined the perfectly-edited horizon with so much curiosity and wonder.

The words you spoke about sacrifice echoed in my mind through the silence that shadowed our occasional commentary. You said people decide what we go cutthroat for, and I think that's true, but I'd add on to that. We don't only decide what we go cutthroat for, we also decide who we go cutthroat for.

I've learned this summer that despite me eventually wanting to end up with one person to love for life, one person to go cutthroat for, I can't sit around waiting for them to appear. When I try to do that, my mind becomes it's own worst enemy, I compare myself to others, and set my expectations too high. I'm young and wild and will stay that way until someone gives me a reason to change.

Not only did Skyline's commentary cause me to evaluate myself, it also helped me learn more about him. Soon after my self-analysis, it dawned to me that Skyline is closer to that moment, to that life-altering connection with someone. He is the type to commit to. He's loyal, real, relatable, and kind. It might sound dumb of me to say it, but I knew from then on that I couldn't provide him that connection; a relationship he rightfully deserved. I could not be his beloved Skyline, at least not at this stage in life.

That's how being a tease plays into this boy's story. He's closer to commitment than I am. Despite our several common interests and our chemistry, I know now is not a time I can dedicate myself completely. Not even if a boy I consider great boyfriend material shows interest in me.

Skyline, if you ever read this you'll probably know who you are by the conversation I wrote about. I want you to know that I firmly believe someday you'll make someone happy. Someday someone will go cutthroat for you, and you'll be their Skyline in which to expand on.

That person can't be me, however, and I hope you don't forget me because of that.

Here's to you, Skyline.