TEASE. - The Memoir

10. TEASE.

10. TEASE.

"A story of a summer of cataclysms and craziness, glorified and graceless, all from the perspective of a tease." - Yours truly

Who could have known that this summer would go about the way it did? I came into it thinking I would not write music anymore, that I was ultimately going to find a single person to kill time with, and that I would have the time of my life with that single person. But my assumptions were obviously far from accurate.

This summer has revealed a new side to me. I have embraced a less stable side of myself, and learned to appreciate the mess I make out of the everyday events in my life. The true value of an artist can be measured through their ability to make something beautiful out of something ugly, and I can comfortably say that my creation in reaction to the insanity of it all is one of the most beautiful things I have ever created.

Being a tease can be rewarding in the sense of adventure, mystery, and excitement, however: for a hopeless romantic dreaming of one day having a committed relationship, it can also be misleading, toxic, and irresponsible. I have learned that when a hopeless romantic, like myself, becomes a tease, the person being teased the most is the teaser themselves. Deep down, every hopeless romantic wants some type of commitment; therefore running away from it really only hurts in the end. Sure, it can be fun for a while, but as soon as feelings arise you get the melodrama of a semi-broken heart. I would like to believe I am a slight exception to this rule because I turned my discomfort into an album glorifying it, but in reality I am no different than those who just want to meet someone that they could comfortably spend the rest of their life with.

Do I regret my behavior this summer? Not in the slightest. I am a young artist that thrives off of my mistakes. Sometimes I am convinced that my craziness these past few months have just been my subconscious mind diving into a new source of inspiration, and that all of my experiences, even those that at first glance only seem to hurt me, are meant to inspire me more than anything. Thanks to my decisions, I have challenged myself with writing such a personal record. My behavior this summer overall has only helped me excel as artist, so regretting it because it made me upset for a fraction of the summer would be an act of ignorance.

In addition, having a crazy summer at a young age is extremely educational. So educational, in fact, that I recommend everyone go through something similar. I have been brought down to earth from the crazy expectations I have cultivated in my mind my entire life. I learned that expecting too much and getting hopes too high usually ends in pain and disappointment. I learned believing I deserve something I am not willing to give is a privilege I never knew I had. With these new lessons taught to me, I have concluded that if I want something more out of life, I need to give more to it.

Therefore, if I am unhappy with living as a tease, which, believe it or not, I am, I need to change my ways. Instead of waiting for someone to come to me, I need to allow myself the freedom to independently pursue friendships and relationships. Rather than thriving off of other people's responses to my actions, I need to thrive off my own, finding pride and comfort in my decisions. Of course, being this direct can backfire. I could be dismissed by some as too direct or too honest and miss out on those who aren't to that point, at least not yet. But as someone who wishes to find another so direct and honest, I need to model those traits. Those who are at the same point as me will see then that they can relate to me, and at this point, those are the people I want to surround myself with. Now, this does not mean the tease in me has died, instead it has evolved to only come out when necessary. Once trust has been established in a relationship, some teasing can go a long way, but I know now that healthy teasing should be used just to make things a little more interesting.

If you would have told me an album of mine, an album meant to glorify a type of lifestyle, would end in an critique of that lifestyle, I would have probably laughed in your face. However, I have created just that. I have lived the reality I have described here in all of it's beauty, destruction, and insanity, and despite understanding it's value, I can comfortably say that I have moved on from it. I have matured and now crave to broaden my horizons with deeper connections than those found in this shallow, melodramatic dimension of existence.

I cannot say with complete certainty that I will never return to the life of a tease, but as of now, I crave that single one-on-one bond found through commitment. And until I find that bond, now that I know that bond won't find me, I'll thrive on the memories of my cataclysms, each one of them, of which most are documented in this memoir.

I will remember the little things I loved about each of my encounters, and I will tease myself with the memory of how they each made me feel in the moment I discovered their individual values. With those feelings, I now know that only a similar lasting emotion with someone who can commit to me will fulfill that new desire I crave. Until I find someone capable of such a feat, I will cherish the boys on this album, for they each acted as a stepping stool for me to discover more about the world and it's relationship with myself.

I know I have said this plenty of times, but thank you, each of you. Some of you will never read this, some of you will read it several times. Regardless, you all have left a mark on me, either intentionally or unintentionally, that now I find pointing me in the direction of self-growth and realization. I can never return a gift of equivalent worth, but know that I am grateful. I wish each of you the best.

From this tease to the next, farewell.

- Tony