I walk down the hallway, gaining stares from people, uh? What now.
"Hey Louis! Whats up?" I fling my arm around Louis' shoulder but he shoved me away.
"Dont touch me faggot", I gasped glaring at him. "Oh please, Everyone in this school know your little fanboy self, or should I say, your little gay self?", He mocked a squeal causing the whole crowd around us to burst into laughing.
My heart races fast, i dont know what i'd do. Everything around me is blurry. I want to cry but no tears run down my cheeks, instead, hot sweat travels on forehead. "N-no, what a-are you talking about?" I shook my head in disapproval, they cant find out. "Oh come on, queer. I dont want to be friends with a gay person! Do not go near me! You might infect me with your disease!" He spats and the whole crowd laugh again.
"Being gay is not a disease Louis! This is me! Cant you accept that? I was wrong! I thought you guys are my real friends! You homophobic people should go to hell!" I screamed, now, tears streaming down my face.
I run to the field and it started to rain. Droplets of water meet my cheeks. Im on my knees already, choking with mixture of tears and rain.
why cant people accept people like me? I thought to my self, talking to the ground while grasping the grass.
I kept my eyes on the road in front of me as I walk. I am not coming back to that place, im not.
Thank god my mom is on work, she cant see me like this. A mess.
Hurriedly, i went up stairs to change. I stare at the reflection in front of me. Reminding myself every single word of Louis' sentence. Dont go near me. You might infect me with your disease.
(IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SELF HARM, I SUGGEST YOU TO SKIP THIS PART)
I grabbed the razor from the cabinet under the sink. As I focus on my wrist, i count the thinks i hate about myself.
I started with the first cut.
for being gay
then the second.
for being pushed away.
the third.
for being a mistake.
i continue the list as cuts and blood cover half of my arm.
and the last one.
for being such a disappointment.
The pain is not unfamiliar for me anymore, but i havent done this for a while, i dont care about how it hurts because it does feel good. Cutting is the only way to cope.
(SELF HARM PART IS OVER)
I grabbed paper towels, washing the blood that covers my arm. After I change, my cuts are already covered with bandages.
I spend the night, thinking of what will happen tomorrow. But i know it will never be better.
