Who Do You Want To Be Tonight? (YMAS)

It was a cold night.

The next week was the exact same as what happened the first day. The old couple came everyday, sat at the same table and ordered the same thing. Somehow it was as if they wanted to prove me that love really does exist. Because, yes, I'm the type of girl that doesn't believe in love when only 20 years old. I mean, I've got my reasons. I saw my mother get divorced twice. I witnessed my best friend get cheated on, I've seen plenty of people heartbroken, both girls and boys. I just don't want to feel the way they did.

Because, we can say whatever we want, but at the end of the day, no one wants to get hurt. Sometimes it felt like the only pain we can accept to feel is the one we inflict to ourselves. It might sound perverted, but most of the time, it's true.

This was what I was thinking about on my day off, sat on my bed, staring at the blank wall in front of me. Some things never change, I guess.

There was one thing that I couldn't stop thinking about though. I thought I'd feel less lonely once I'd get a job, but I didn't. I thought meeting and talking to random people on a daily basis would make the hole in my chest, the too familiar sensation of emptiness disappear, but I was wrong. If anything, it made it worse. Because I was seeing all those people coming in with friends and often have a good time, while I was just sort of there. The worst of all those people was Max.

He came at the same time everyday, always came alone, remained alone during the few minutes he was there but still, he was always smiling. Why did he even bother?

Sometimes, the smile would drop off of his face while he stared blankly at nowhere specifically. This would last something like fifteen seconds, and then he'd look at someone and smile again.

I admired him. I have so much respect for anybody that puts everyone before themselves. Max is one of those people. Yet, I couldn't understand why. That stranger you smiled to, the one you brightened the day of by just acknowledging them, would have no way to thank you, or to do the same. Wasn't it painful to forget ourselves just so anybody else could be happy? I sure couldn't even think of doing it for a day. And it was sad to think that I was incapable of making anyone happy purposely and being pleased with my life.

Useless.

That was the only word running in circles in my mind. Before it could get worse, I decided to go outside and just walk for a while. It always helped me clear my mind.

It was cold. But could you really expect any different from a February night in England? And it was already around midnight. I could feel soft drops crashing on my skin, relaxing it on their way down. The numbness was slowly leaving my bones. At least, I thought so.

I was walking down a small street, slowly, trying to capture every feeling I could get. Then, I saw someone sat on the sidewalk, looking straight before themselves, as if they were lost in this world.
I know what this feels like, I thought.

This was strange the way I felt attracted to that person, the way I needed to know if they were like me. Soon, I surprised myself and made my way over to the person, I could now say, was a guy. I sat next to him, as if it was the most casual thing I could ever do, and adopted the position he was in. The rain was still pouring but it didn't seem to matter to any of us.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" I asked after a few minutes.

A shaky voice, barely above a whisper answered a simple 'yes.' I tried to think of something good to say, but I couldn't quite find anything, the sound of his broken voice echoing in my head. How did he not break down?

"Do you want to talk about what's wrong?" I whispered. I had no idea why my voice wasn't coming out right. It may be because this situation made some memories come back. I was him a year ago, when I wished someone would save me, but nobody ever came, or two weeks ago, when I thought this finally was it.