Who Do You Want To Be Tonight? (YMAS)

Desperate minds mean desperate measures.

It can truly ruin your life if you think you aren't good enough. I know it tended to ruin mine. I didn't precisely know what I wasn't good enough for, but I could affirm that I felt lonely. Worse than that, actually. I felt worthless.

It had been a few months since I escaped the hospital. I was feeling perfectly fine, just to prove my point, which was that my pneumonia wasn't half as bad as they had all thought it was. I also had saved up money, and found myself renting an apartment. That might explain why I felt so alone.

I was blasting stupid love songs, wishing to be loved and cared about. Sometimes, these songs gave me hope. Hope that everything could get better, that I had not met the one who'd make me feel important and indispensable yet, but that I wouldn't have to wait long anymore. Other times, it made me feel numb. Simply because I had witnessed every couple around me split up, and that I didn't want that to happen to me, condemning myself to a never ending loneliness.

I hadn't heard of anyone in a few weeks. Max didn't show up at the dinner in a long time, and I came to the conclusion that it was better off that way. I liked thinking that I didn't need anyone. It kept me somewhat grounded when I was alone.

There was something about every blue eyes I had seen. I couldn't stop myself from comparing them to Chris'. I also had a hard time not thinking about the heat I felt when he hugged me, and how safe it made me feel. That was a reason why I felt lonely. I haven't felt safe in quite a while, I haven't even felt alive in a while.

"You should really pay attention to what you are doing. Is anything wrong?" Vanessa asked me.

"I'm fine, sorry." I answered, breathing deeply.

"Come on, there must be something..."

"Leave me alone." I whined.

In a way, I hated attention. But at the same time, I craved it. I wanted to know someone cared that I came in to work every day, that I still managed to get out of bed in the morning. I wanted someone to see how hard it was for me to keep on living and support me through it. I wanted someone to understand me.

And maybe that was too much to ask for. Maybe I didn't deserve attention. Why would I? I haven't done anything remarkable.

"There's someone who wants to see you." Vanessa said coldly.

I made my way to the main room and prepared myself for another customer who wanted to complain. Instead, I found myself face to face with Chris.

"Hi." He spoke simply.

I tried to look into his eyes, trying to get that feeling in my stomach I always got when doing that. But the way he kept his head down was making me unable to do so.

"What can I do for you?" I asked quietly.

Chris looked up and our eyes met for a brief second before he looked back down. I had the time to see that something was wrong, though.

"Could you come outside for a minute, please?" He asked and I nodded, making my way to the door.

"What is it?" I questioned.

With Chris just in front of me, I realised how alone I had felt. I was craving his arms around me way too badly. I also noticed how selfish I had been when I decided to move in alone. I let everybody behind me and didn't care if they felt betrayed, even if I knew how awful this feeling was.

"In fact, I've been sent here. Don't take it the wrong way, just let me explain." I stared at him, wondering what was happening. "We miss you. Nothing's been the same since you decided to live on your own. Josh and Max have fought. Josh wanted you to come back but Max said you knew what you were doing and that it was best if we let you do what you wanted."

I've never known what was best for me. I always pushed myself so close to the edge that risked falling with every breath I took, before admitting to myself that I had made a mistake. It wasn't healthy, and it surely wasn't what I needed to do.

"But there's always this tension between us now. Matt always look at me as if it was my fault you left, which can be true, I don't know. And then there's our new drummer, Dan, he doesn't understand what's going on and I think that might scare him away. All I know is I can't bear it anymore. I miss you, and I'm sorry if I did anything that drove you away. I just thought you should know that, so that, if you wanted to, you knew you could come whenever you wanted." Chris finished.

He looked up, our glances meeting. I could feel my heart beat faster, I knew I was trembling ever so lightly that it was almost unnoticeable.

I a way I hoped Chris saw it. I wish he would do something about it, that he'd free me from this sinking feeling I always felt. But then, I didn't want him to see how vulnerable I was.

"I understand. And I'm sorry I cause so much trouble. I'll go talk to Josh tonight, after my shift. Can you let him know?" I whispered. I felt ashamed to have acted this way.

"Will do." He simply answered.

I thought he would've turned around and left. But he didn't. Instead, he kept looking right through me.

"I know you probably don't believe me, but I-we do miss you. I hope that eventually something teaches you not to push everybody away because you're scared to get close." Chris breathed out. He then turned around, ready to leave.

"I didn't push you away because I didn't want to get close." I said.

Two seconds later, Chris was in front of me, his eyes glaring into mine.

"No, right, you did not do that. Who are you kidding? You know Josh feels something for you and you got scared. You were afraid because you relied on every one of us and that meant someone may leave and make you fall. You pushed me away because you knew there was something special between us and you feared I might use it against you. You don't want to get attached. I can understand it, but one day, you will regret it all." Chris replied harshly. "Life isn't meant to be spent alone."

I couldn't find the words to answer. This was true. Deep down, I knew it was. I just didn't want to admit it.

"In time, you'll learn that. You'll see that you need to let someone in. I hope you do. And if you don't, I don't want to be here and watch you fall apart." Chris murmured, his hands suddenly on my cheeks.

He kissed my forehead, leaving me with a burning sensation and tears in my eyes.

The truth is always hard to accept.

***

I had gone to Josh's. I told him I was sorry for leaving but that I needed my space. That it didn't have anything to do with him or anyone. It was just me. He hadn't asked anything, just nodded patiently at everything I was saying. I told him that what Max and him had was special and that he shouldn't let me interfere in it. I had left, not feeling any better.

It was now two in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I felt cold and empty. I felt guilty. And lonely.

Eventually, I got up and got dressed. I made my way to the only place I knew could make me feel better. When I knocked at the door, I almost wished nobody would answer. And then I remembered that I couldn't go on this way.

When Chris opened the door, I began to sob. He looked worn off and sad, and I felt like it was my fault he wasn't sleeping this late at night.

I snuggled up to him, whispering how sorry and stupid I was. I tightened my grip on him and whimpered how I hated life and needed him to make it all better. I was at my lowest and couldn't care less how pitiful I sounded. I just needed the heat his body had always given me.

We stood there for a while, embracing each other at the door of his apartment, me sobbing like it was the end of the world and him playing with my hair, drawing circles in my back and telling me that everything would be alright.