My dreams consisted of Alex that night. He had his signature Humbug hair and he was perfect. I didn’t remember much from the dream, except the fact that I was completely in love with him. When I woke up, I realized that fact was probably true when awake, as well.
I still felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I loved him dearly when we were together. How did I ever just let him go? I didn’t deserve him or his attention. He should have ignored me or ran the other way in the bar.
I did my best to push those thoughts aside while I showered. The warm water felt amazing over my skin and bones. I hadn’t had one since before my outing at the bar. I made sure to scrub my entire body extra carefully, hopefully purging some of those awful thoughts along with the scum.
I stepped out of the shower carefully, planting my wet feet onto the bathroom rug. I could hear a familiar jingle start up, and my stomach flopped. I raced out of the bathroom, holding my damp towel close to my body. I ignored the rude, drafty air slipping through to my exposed areas.
The number on my caller ID was foreign to me and I was almost too nervous to answer. I took a deep breath and held the phone up to my ear, pushing my wet hair to my free shoulder. I answered as calmly as I could. Was he still technologically illiterate?
"Hello?"
*****Alex’s POV
Hearing her voice again put my deceptions to bed. The past two nights were real. She was back in my life again. My nightmares last night told me otherwise. Her serene voice put me back in a calm, yet extremely nervous, state of mind.
"Sophie? I’m sorry to call so early, love." The last part slipped out. I guess it was a habit. It was sort of my assumed nickname for her when we were together…
"Alex, hey." I could hear a smile in her voice. She didn’t seem to mind my calling her "love".
"I just…I just really wanted to hear your voice. I hope I didn’t wake you." I promised myself last night that I would only let honest words slip through my mouth. Not that I was ever dishonest with her. There was a time when I just didn’t tell her the whole truth. I wouldn’t let it happen again.
She laughed lightly through my receiver. “No, you didn’t wake me. I actually just hopped out of the shower.”
I imagined her flawless skin dripping with moisture. Her dark brown hair cascading over her shoulders, water beads sliding down her long locks. I adjusted my crotch before opening my mouth. I didn’t want to make it so obvious that I was picturing her naked.
I opened my mouth but no words found me.
Her laugh greeted my ear, once more. “You still there, Alex?”
I cleared my throat. “Yes, darling. Still here. Sorry. Ah, well, the wedding isn’t for another week and I’d love to see you before then. Would you be up for it?”
Anticipation for her answer built up in my chest, waiting to boil over like lava. Her answer was almost instantaneous but it felt like centuries.
"Of course. I’d love to see you again sooner rather than later."
I felt myself exhale heavily. I’m sure she’d heard my relief. I smiled, not caring if she knew I still loved her deeply.
"Great. Well, anytime is good for me. Pick a time and place."
An ancient image flashed through my head like a flood. Our lips pressed together while the two of us showered. Hopefully it could be like that again one day. I needed it more than anything.
"I'm off tomorrow, how's that?"
"Perfect. Just think of somewhere you'd like to go." I would be counting down the seconds until I could see her again.
"Definitely. I'll let you know."
"Ok, well I'll see you soon then. Bye, darling."
"Hey, Al?"
I paused automatically, waiting intently to hear more words flow from her mouth.
"I'm glad you called. I wanted to hear your voice again, too."
I ran my fingers through my greasy hair. I was overwhelmed to hear that. My smile was the most genuine thing I had plastered on my body at the moment.
"I'll see you tomorrow, love. Call me when you get a chance."
"I will. Bye, Alex."
Her voice saying my name echoed through my head. I ended the call and fell back onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. Anticipation hollowed deep inside my chest. I had a feeling it would be my best friend for a while. And I was glad for it.
I didn’t want to put myself back in an awful mindset but I needed to finish this song. I got up from my reclined position and went to my desk and pulled out the paper I had etched on yesterday. I took a sip from my Coke, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
In a matter of moments, I was back in 2008. I could feel the familiar sting of losing her and not being able to find her anywhere that I searched. I regretted my decision to finish this song the moment I went back in time. It was too late now. Might as well try and finish it.
The words came pretty easily. Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now? Or darling have you started feeling old yet?
I choked back a sob, trying to put up a strong suit. I was alone. I could cry if I wanted to. But I wouldn’t. There was a tiny voice in the back of my head that kept reminding me that she was with me again. And nothing else mattered.
And do you still think love is a laserquest? Or do you take it all more seriously? I was indebted to this creature for the rest of my life. Whether she loved me or not.
And do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re there? Or has somebody’s goodnight kisses got that covered? The fear and jealously I felt when she had a call from “Cas” crossed my mind. I was glad she'd settled my assumption quickly.
When I’m pipe and slippers and rocking chair, singing dreadful songs about summer. Will I have found a better method of pretending you were just some lover? I couldn’t hold it off any longer. I felt some perspiration fall down my face and stain onto my jeans.
I only ever truly cried once when she left me. That night would be forever etched into my memory. I had been practically on the verge of blubbering. I couldn't help but think that I should probably never speak to her again for what she did, with no explanation. But I couldn't blame her. I was gone. Even when I was with her, I was gone. I wouldn't let that happen again. I would change everything that I am just so I could be with her. I just had to convince myself that I could change. No matter how hard that might be.
