It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest when she walked out. I did what I thought I had to do. I knew she would be upset, but I didn't know how angry she would be. If I could go back in time and take it all back, I certainly would. Sarah had been nothing but a tool in my selfish game.
I rummaged through my cabinets and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. I poured myself a glass and went to sit down in my office. I took one swig and realized I was in this mess today because of it so I poured the rest in the waste basket next to my desk.
I turned my laptop on and brought Youtube up. Tame Impala's Feels Like We Only Go Backwards was recommended for me. How relevant. I clicked the link and closed my eyes while listening.
It feels like I only go backwards, baby. Every part of me says "go ahead". I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again. Feels like we only go backwards, darling.
Cruel thoughts spun around my head. Maybe you and Sophie just aren't meant to be. She never really loved you. No. She did love me. At the moment, not so much. I meant the world to her. Her eyes would sparkle when I would come home after being on tour for months. And the feeling was always mutual. She was my home.
She loved me even when no one else did. Before the band got big, no one would give us the time of the day but she always believed in us. She attended show after show at grimy, ol' clubs. She was our biggest groupie and my biggest fangirl. My heart was meant to beat for hers. I just couldn't give up so easily. I would give her some time to cool off. I hated myself for hurting her.
I was in a good frame of mind to finish working on a piece I had started working on when she reappeared. I had bits and pieces to the song. I had to find a way to string it all together.
An ad for laser tag popped up on my screen. The idea hit me like a grenade. Do you still think love is a laserquest? Or do you take it all more seriously?
I wished I hadn't poured out my lifeline in the trash next to me. Could have been useful.
And when I'm hanging on by the rings around my eyes, and I convince myself I need another. And for a minute it gets easier to pretend that you were just some lover.
I often pretended that Sophie was just another girl in my life. It worked for a while but I never truly got over her, as you can tell. No matter how hard I had tried, I couldn't stop loving her. Not even for a second. I dated other girls a year after I realized she wasn't coming back. The few that I dated were great girls...I just didn't love them. In my mind, Sophie was the only girl I could ever love.
*****
I was in serious Alex La La Land once the Nyquil got to me. My dreams felt so real. But quickly they turned into nightmares...
Alex stared at me from across the tiny room. His long hair hung loosely around his face. I had on his black Triumph shirt and a pair of black lace underwear. He bit his lip as his gaze moved down my length.
Next thing I knew, he was right in front of me, kissing me like it was his last chance. His large palms gripped tightly around my ass and my hands played in his messy hair. It was so real I could almost taste him...
His hands frisked my body and he picked me up, sitting me down on a desk. We continued kissing, our tongues rolling in and out of each other's mouths. He removed my shirt and latched onto my neck, sucking lightly. He took his shirt off then started to nibble on my ear lobe, which drove me wild. His belt was easy to unbuckle. His zipper and button on his pants, not so much. His melodic giggle filled the room and he undid his zipper easily with his nimble fingers.
His hands snuck their way into my underwear and the sensation of him rubbing me made me want to cry out. His tongue in my mouth prevented me from screaming. His free hand teased my hardened nipples and my head lolled back at the combination of the two happenings.
His mouth attached to my neck again. He licked it slowly in small circles then sank his teeth into it. I didn't feel any pain this time, only pleasure. My head snapped up when he spoke.
"Ready for me, darling?"
I didn't reply but before I knew it, my bottom was bare and his erection was poking into my inner thigh. He entered me slowly halfway, testing me. My arms were behind my back, stretched out on the desk. while I chewed on my bottom lip. He continued pushing in slowly only halfway and I groaned with frustration. He looked at me with mischievous eyes.
He licked his fingers and brought them to where they needed to be most. He moved his flawless fingers in a perfect rhythm along with his pumping. Soon enough, he was fully inside of me and my whole body felt warm and tingly.
It was obvious he wanted me to come first. His fingers never halted. He teased, flicked and rubbed until I felt that familiar sensation in my toes. My eyes scrunched as I came hard. He followed soon after and he cried out and held onto the edge of the desk. He convulsed in small spurts above me, panting heavily. I kissed his chin then laid back fully to ride out the wonderful waves he'd sent me through.
When I woke up in our bed, he was gone. I felt empty and completely used. I thought he loved me. How could he just leave?
I woke up in a cold sweat feeling terrified. I had just felt everything he must have when I left him. I was a cold hearted bitch and not only had I done it once, but I went and did it to him a second time. What the hell was wrong with me? The anger I felt wasn't because of him, it was towards my so-called "friend". I had to stop this madness and love him fully with every ounce of my heart. I would go and apologize to him tomorrow night.
