"Cas, turn it down! I'm trying to concentrate!"
"I was just trying to get acquainted with your loverboy's music. But fine. I'll turn it down."
I rushed over to her side, putting my hand between hers and the button to the volume. I turned it up instead. I didn't recognize the song.
I crashed into my fluffy pink bean bag and listened intently. Just from the sound of it, I knew it had to be from Humbug.
Every verse of the song hit me like a tidal wave.
I thought I saw you in the battleship, but it was only a look-a-like. She was nothing but a vision trick, under the warning light. She was close, close enough to be your ghost.
My eyes got watery and I wished that I was alone.
I thought I saw you in the rusty hook, huddled up in a wicker chair.
I wanted to go back in time and find him. Find him and never let him go. I could only imagine his long hair. I couldn't see his face even though I knew it very well.
Tell me where's your hiding place? I'm worried I'll forget your face. And I've asked everyone, I'm beginning to think I imagined you all along.
That slayed me. My heart felt like it had just popped out of my chest. That reaffirmed all of my fears. He had searched me. Even fucking wrote a song about it. I didn't deserve any happiness. Especially not from him. He deserved so much better. So much more.
The song came to an abrupt stop. Cas had her arm wrapped around my shoulder, asking me what was wrong. I hadn't realized that I was sobbing.
"I-I'm fine."
"You're clearly NOT fine, Soph. Tell me what's the matter."
"This song! He wrote it after I left him."
She went silent, her hand absentmindedly rubbing my back.
I quieted after a few moments. I had to stop torturing myself. There was nothing I could do about the past. I would be damn sure that it wouldn't happen again.
"Do you love him, Sophie?"
I shook my head yes.
"Then don't let him go this time."
*****
When Cas was gone, I found myself sitting at my laptop. I had YouTube up and I couldn't help but type 'Arctic Monkeys' into the search bar.
When I hit enter, several videos popped up. A thumbnail of Alex in a red sweater with his Humbug hair caught my attention first so I clicked it.
I recognized the song from earlier and almost exited it out. But I was amused with his attire. He had an old cassette player hooked to his hip and big headphones over his ears. I surprised myself when a giggle left my throat.
This time I laughed and cried. He was so goofy and silly and I loved him for it. The lyrics still made me feel incredibly sad, though. Maybe if I had watched this video years ago, things would have been different.
The ending of the song had me incredibly curious.
I saw your sister in the cornerstone, on the phone to the middle man. When I saw her she was on her own, I thought she might understand. She was close, well you couldn't get much closer. She said I'm really not supposed to, but yes, you can call me anything you want.
I didn't have a sister but I had girlfriends who were like sisters to me around that time in my life. Maybe I was reading too much into it.
My phone's ringer scared me out of my daydreams. It was a little after nine in the evening. His name was flashing red across my screen.
"Hello?"
"Hello, darling. How's your evening going?"
I never tired of hearing his voice.
"Alex, hey. I was just thinking about you."
"Oh?"
Seemed to really surprise him. Don't know why it would. Who wasn't thinking about Alex Turner 24/7?
"Alex...do you hate me? For what I did to you?"
The line went quiet for a few seconds.
"I could never hate you, Soph. Even if you told me right now that you wanted nothing more to do with me. I just couldn't. I'd be absolutely heartbroken, yes, but hating you would never cross my mind."
"Oh, Alex...I just don't deserve you. Not one bit."
"You deserve the best, Soph. And I'm going to try and prove to you everyday that the best is speaking to you right now."
I was at a loss for words. The usual.
"Are you alright, my darling?"
"Y-yes, I'm here. I'm fine."
"Good. Shall I pick you up around five tomorrow?"
The wedding. Oh, shit. I had lost track of the time. Again. Good thing I had gotten a dress already.
"Sounds perfect. Can't wait to see you."
"Ditto. See you soon, love."
I hovered on the line until he hung up. A soft, boyish laugh had left him right before he clicked end on his phone.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dying to see him in a suit. I absolutely could not wait. I hoped he'd wear his hair slicked back like how it was the night we watched a movie at my place. Hopefully I'd be able to keep my hands off of him. But if he wore my favorite cologne of his, no promises would be made. I'd just have to wait and see.
