Escape

Chapter 18

A few days passed and I sat on the park bench looking at little Riley on the swing set with her friends. She looked so happy. I sighed. Ever since Riley left I felt empty inside. A kind of empty that no one could even try to fill. Nothing I did helped. My best friend was really gone. I couldn't call her or send a text anymore. She had become such a big part of my life and her death affected me more than I thought. I hardly ate and I was often too tired to sleep. I was the last to see her. I saw her take in her last breath. I saw her transition from the realm of life to the realm of death in an instant. It happened so fast. I can still remember holding her lifeless hand as the nurses were examining her and finally pronounced her dead. I remembered it so clearly. I clenched my fists a little and braced my back onto the bench. I pulled out a cigarette and began smoking it. I don't know where the habit came from but I found that whenever I felt depressed or I was over thinking something I would immediately smoke a cigarette. It calmed me. My counsellor told me that Riley's death broke something inside me and I knew she was right. I was unhappy and I didn't know how to let my grief out the right way. 

I never re-visited the big oak tree. Something inside me believed that the only way I'd be able to be at peace with myself was if I sat under that tree one last time. But that would require a plane ticket and leaving my husband to take care of little Riley by himself again. I knew it was too much to ask but when I brought it up with him he agreed and told me that he had the same idea but never brought it up with me because he wasn't sure if I would be up for the hassle of travelling. He paid for the ticket and the following week I left for Canada.