Caroline

Chapter 30

She lost track of the number of times that she tripped and fell on her way back home. It didn't matter. The scrapes and bruises were a small price to pay to get herself far away from that clearing, from the sight of another woman in Michael's arms, from the look on his face...

Her vision blurred, confusing her, until she realized that tears were running down her face. This made navigating the uneven path harder still, but she kept going. Finally reaching her own clearing, she collapsed and allowed her tears to wet the ground beneath her as her chest heaved, and she surrendered to the hurt. Sorrow wasn't just what she felt; it was who she was. There was nothing else.

She jumped when she thought she heard her name being spoken. A look around her confirmed that no one was there, but the imagined voice was enough to bring her to her senses again. Attempting to wipe dirt and tears from her face with the back of her hand, she somehow made her way up the steps and onto her porch. Opening her front door was trickier than it should have been, but she finally made it inside, closed and locked the door, and leaned against it, shaking her head. What had made her think she'd heard her father's voice?

Whatever the reason, the illusion had gotten her up off the ground and inside. She could see the scrapes and tears on her clothes and body, and feel where bruises were already forming. Stripping down as she went, she walked to her bathroom for a hot shower.

The candles she had set out her first night in the cabin were still there on the counter. Everything she had experienced and learned since that first bath in her new home came barreling down on top of her again, leaving her feeling weak and defeated. She'd thought that she was strong, that she was finally, completely in control of her own life. But one brief glimpse of the scene in the next clearing had taken her right back to the worst day of her life. Once again, she felt she was all alone, with nowhere to turn for help.

As the spray from the shower scalded her skin, cleansing tears joined the water splashing at her feet.   She still had no regret for learning more about her parents. If anything, she felt closer to them. Yes, there would always be sadness associated with her memories of them, but it would always be tempered by love.

A tiny voice in her head whispered that she could go back to Derek. He would protect her again.... he wanted to..... But she shook herself hard and slapped her palms against the shower wall. Despite the fact that she was crying, naked, in a cabin that she'd only thought she'd chosen herself, questioning the direction of the rest of her life, she still had some self-respect. She would never willingly put herself in that situation again.

Which meant... Michael.....

He had revealed so much of himself, she'd thought. He had all but come out and said he loved her. But he didn't say it, and now she suspected that was because he couldn't. Had her father been toying with their emotions without understanding them? Had her presence triggered some wishful thinking in Michael even though he was already committed to someone else? Or worse, were his intentions exactly the same as Derek's had been? Only this time, had she been the one selected as the "other woman"?

In any case, she knew she couldn't face him again, which meant that all the work that had been put into preparing this cabin had been for nothing. She couldn't stay with him so close. Even if she hadn't started to fall for him, the embarrassment would be too much. Resignedly, she realized she would have to seek Terry's help yet again. At this point, she had no idea where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do.

It was that moment she felt the beginning of a slow burn inside of her, as she realized what she was contemplating... again. As soon as things became uncomfortable, her first instinct was to run, every time. The anger surged up, directed entirely at herself. She knew she was stronger than that, but she had been doing a poor job of proving that fact, to herself and to the world.

It didn't matter what Terry had said about her father's reasons for teaching her to act brave. At first she had learned to hide her fears as a way of pleasing him. But as she got older, she discovered that facing up to those fears, doing what needed to be done in spite of whatever she'd felt threatened by, almost always left her better off than she had been before.... emotionally, as well as in more tangible ways. Yes, it could be draining, but it was worth it.

Energized with this realization, she turned off the water and reached for her towel. She would put her appearance back to rights, and then, one way or another, she was going to find out the truth of what Michael Morris thought he was doing. And, all right, she admitted that she was jealous. She barely knew him any more, but what she had seen had been admirable and good. And he had made her believe that he had seen the same in her. So what the hell was happening here?

She was fully dressed, her hair combed but still wet, when she heard the knock at her door. Anger and determination welled up inside her. Good, she thought, his guilty conscience just saved me a trip. So when she opened the door to start giving him a piece of her mind, she nearly had to bite her tongue to hold the words back from the man on her porch.

"Randy?" Confused, she tried to think of a reason why the grocery store butcher would be standing at her door.

"Hey," he greeted her, with a sheepish smile. "Caroline, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"I been told you and I need to have a little talk."