Caroline

Chapter 20

For the second time that day, Caroline's world had turned upside down.

"Mikey?"

"No one calls me that any more," he said, with a wry chuckle, "except Hannah sometimes, when she's mad."

Scrambling, she pulled herself away from him and perched on the arm of the sofa. She would have moved farther, but didn't trust her legs to hold her at the moment.

"You lied to me, " she accused.

He shook his head. "I haven't lied to you."

"You deceived me, then."

"What I did," he said with resignation, "was try to wait you out."

"You knew the whole time who I was. You could've... You should've said something!"

"I did. I said a lot of things. But you never picked up on them."

Her confused brain tried to think back over the past few days. There was the first meeting, when he smiled at her attempt to remove preserves from her hand. She could see, now, how closely his eyes and smile matched those of her old friend. In the grocery store, his teasing move implying she had missed a spot on her face was exactly like something the Mikey she remembered would have done. His referring to himself, twice, as a hermit..... Hadn't she and Hannah both called him an "old hermit" when he would sequester himself away with those games.... those games.... He'd told her his name was Michael. He'd told her his mother was an English teacher. He'd called her "Jelly". And she'd missed it all.

"Why?" She could barely get the word out, unsure if she was more embarrassed or confused. She swallowed, then tried again. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

He was silent at first, looking her over as if memorizing her. Finally, he looked away, cleared his throat, and began to fidget nervously with a fingernail. "I was afraid," he said quietly.

With that confession, her embarrassment faded, and she slid from the arm down to a seat cushion, allowing herself to be close to him again. "Why in the world would you be afraid of me?"

"I know what you thought of me, the last time you saw me. I thought... If that was still your opinion, if you knew who I was, you'd just shut me out." He looked back at her, the sadness in his eyes finally revealing to her the boy she used to know. "I couldn't take that."

She reached for him then, and drew him into a hug. "Things have obviously changed since then," she said, gently. "But I don't understand why it would mean so much to you. It's been over ten years..."

He pulled her in closer, scanning her face again as if he was afraid of losing the memory of her there. Slowly, cautiously, as if waiting for her to deny him, he palmed the back of her head and drew her in for another of his soft kisses. Again, she felt herself melt into him, and wondered at the glorious feeling of it.

He broke their kiss with a sigh, then pulled her fully onto his lap and held her close.

"It's time for my side of the story," he said. "Before your family came back that summer, I learned about something that... really messed with my head. It's safe to say I didn't have the maturity to handle it well. Instead, I lashed out. You and Hannah were the easiest targets, but you were both smart enough to just get out of my way. My parents tried to "reason" with me, instead. The more they pushed, the more I retreated, until I started looking for reasons not to go home. One of those reasons was a group of guys who were just as angry as I was, and just as ready to do something reckless to push that anger out."

As he spoke, he ran his hands gently over her arms and back, occasionally rubbing at her neck and shoulders. The gestures seemed to flow from him naturally, and she wondered if he was even aware that he was doing them.

"One of those nights that I didn't go home," he continued, "the guys and I had been able to get a good buzz with some beer we had stolen. When that was gone, somebody got the bright idea we should get more. We drove down to a convenience store, and all of us went in to distract the man who was working that night. But like I said, we were already drunk, and he wasn't blind"

Michael went silent then. The tension she felt from him told her the next memory was a painful one. She hugged him and nuzzled the side of his face, offering reassurance. "What happened?" she whispered.

"He saw Kyle headed for the door with a case, and tried to stop him. I'd always thought those guys were supposed to stay behind the counter, you know? Protect themselves?" He shook his head. "He should've. I wish he had. I'll wish it every day for the rest of my life." He was quiet again, swallowing hard. Finally, his voice hoarse and strained, he said "Kyle had a knife. We all knew he had it with him; he was so damn proud of it. When the counter guy ran up to him....Kyle dropped the beer case and whipped that blade right out. He waved it in front of him, then he lunged, I don't know why. It didn't make sense, even then when I was drunk and stupid. Kyle lunged, and the counter guy went down.... There was blood everywhere."

They both sat silently for a moment. She imagined the fear and shock Mikey must have felt at such a scene, no matter how tough he had believed himself at the time. She could see the pain it still caused the grown-up Michael. Stroking his hair, she said, "That's how you ended up in juvie?"

He nodded. "William Smith was in the store that night. He's the one who called for help, and the one who told the sheriff's office who we were and where to find us." He looked into her eyes, then, and what she saw in his nearly broke her heart. "I ran, Caroline. I ran away from there as fast as I could. I didn't wait for the others. I didn't stop to see if that guy was gonna make it. I just ran, and then walked, until I finally made it home. The deputies were already there. But by then, I was so tired, and my heart hurt so bad, I just walked up and let them take me. That's when they told me the guy that Kyle cut was dead."

The silence that fell between them then was a cacophony in their own minds. Caroline remembered the shock Hannah had been under when describing the arrest to her over the phone. It must have been similar to her own, when she had first told Hannah of her mother's death, only weeks later. So much tragedy. So much waste.

"What was it that made you so mad?" she asked him, pleading. "You changed so much, so fast...."

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. "I overheard part of a conversation I shouldn't have. It shook me, and made me question a lot of things I had taken for granted before." He looked at her again, and smiled, wistfully. "You know, I was always kind of jealous of you and Hannah, of how close you were."

She knew it was coming. She knew she would be hearing the words before they left his mouth. But the knowledge didn't stifle the shock she felt when he said them.

"You were as close as sisters. That day, I learned.... you are. Half-sisters. Your father is her father, too."