Ashes burn my fingertips as I smoke my last cigarette for the night.
Nicotine rushes through my veins, and my head feels as if the clouds decended just for me.
Though my thoughts are foggy and my eyes are blurred with tears, I can only think of those I have lost, and those I may never find.
My brain goes to places I wish it wouldn't, and I can't keep the thought that I will never be anyones first or number one.
Im only me, and even I don't want to hold that close.
My heart aches for past loves and broken dreams, and I tell myself "You're not strong, no matter how hard you pretend to be."
I may not be your first, or your last, but Im everything between, and most if the time I feel like I'm just slipping through the cracks, hardly to be seen.
My body aches for another's touch, but I know I can't allow it. They'll get too close and peer into my insides to see that Im not very pretty there either.
They'll make a mess of my spine and other usless things as butterflies fill my belly and my throat so that I can not scream for you to leave.
Nor could I ever ask you to stay. Because I'm not your number one, Im the stranger you glance at for a moment on the street and thats all I'll ever be.
My lungs ache for the smoke to fill them so that it may set my mind at ease, and darling I know it hurts for you to see me this way, but soon I'll only be a distant dream.
Hi, my name's Elijah, but not really. Its just something to ease the deafening voice that screams "This is not the body I belong in!"
Sure my eyes shine like the stars, and my heart seems to beat for everyone around me, but Im a passing thought in the corner of their minds, and with time, my heart will set me free.
