Homestuck x reader

A lesson about trolls (Kurloz x reader)

(A/N: I decided to take little breaks between Metamorphosis stories I still have half of Gamzee's, also Sollux, Tavros and Karkat to write out. Hope y'all don't mind)

The sun was setting outside, turning your apartment a pretty fiery orange as you unlocked the door and stepped inside. It was peaceful. It was cozy. It was finally time to relax. It was Friday afternoon, classes were done, you didn't have work and it felt wonderful.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you heaved your heavy book bag down next to your desk and leaned back. An entire weekend of nothing to do. This was gonna be EPIC! EXTREME! OUTRAGEOUSLY AWESOME!

You were probably going to wear pjs, eat ice cream and watch Netflix for the next couple of days.

~~~~~

After you got into your pjs, you headed for the living room to switch on the tv and watch some (fav show).

You had just sat down and was reaching for the remote when the doorbell rang. You felt frustration begin to boil within you. Why did someone's arrival have to coincide with the start of your relaxation time?

For one, your entire week had been made up of tests. In one class, a group of girls sitting in front of you had spent the entire test time whispering and laughing loudly in their high, fake voices, gossiping about everyone in the class (including you), seeming to ignore or forget the fact that everyone they spoke of could hear them. And finally, you had accidentally brought a bucket into class as part of a project, which made most of the troll students have to exit to run for the bathrooms to vomit. And some of them fainted right then and there. You were pretty sure they now thought you were some kind of pervy sex freak with no respect for the manners of other species.

You got up and glided to the door. Had anyone looked at you just then, they would've thought that they had seen the angel of death in the beginnings of a killing spree.

You didn't even bother to look through the peephole (which you later berated yourself about), so when you opened it and found Kurloz Makara on the other side, your anger evaporated on the spot. Kurloz was a troll student (thankfully, he hadn't been in the class where you brought the bucket), who studied medicine. He was a good friend of yours... and you had a bit of a crush on him. He had his large book bag slung across his back. It was patterned with bones.

"O-oh! Kurloz! Hi!"

Kurloz nodded a hello down at you. He was a giant at 6'7.

"Um... What's up?"

Kurloz held out two fists then jerked them down. He pointed to himself. He held both hands horizontal in front of his chest and made his right hand dive under his left one. 'May I enter?' he was saying.

"Yeah! Come on in!" You both entered the living room and Kurloz set his bag down next to the couch.

'May I stay here?'

You tried to suppress a blush, succeeding barely.

"Sure, you can stay. Is something wrong? Did you and Mituna have a fight or something?" Kurloz was rooming with Mituna Captor, his 'moirail' (as trolls called their best friend).

Kurloz fished his phone out of his pocket, turned it on, and pulled up a photo. He slipped the phone into your hand and you examined it.

Kurloz had taken a half-selfie. Over his shoulder, Mituna was sprawled on the couch with his matesprit (girlfriend), Latula Pyrope, on top of him. They were having an intense make-out session while Kurloz's expression betrayed his annoyance and discomfort.

"Oh," you said shortly. "Yeah, that would be a good reason."

Kurloz nodded slowly.

"So, do you need to study for med school or...?" you had learned from Kurloz that med school took up about 90% of his time, homework, studying and class time combined. You were surprised he hadn't snapped yet.

Kurloz shook his head, his wild curls swishing left and right.

'Freedom.'

"That's great!" you exclaimed. "Now you can sleep as much as you want!"

He smiled.

"Do you want to watch something?"

Kurloz shrugged and nodded at the same time.

"Ok!" you knew one you thought he might like. "Have you seen the Nightmare Before Christmas?"

He frowned and gave you a questioning look.

"It's a human movie! It has a lot of spooky stuff and the main character is a skeleton. You want to watch it now?"

He nodded vigorously. You were tired, but willing to watch it with him.

~~~~~

Halfway through, you fell asleep.

At the part where the characters were listening to Jack talk about the idea of Christmas, Kurloz glanced over at you. Your head lolled back and your mouth was open slightly.

Kurloz gently took your shoulders and head and laid you down so that your head was now on his lap. He stroked your hair absently and watched for a few more minutes, then turned it off and gave his attention completely to you.

You looked cute when you slept. Kurloz took off his gloves and ran his fingers through your hair. God, it felt soft. It felt like silk, compared to his own, which was coarse from Kurloz constantly forgetting to use conditioner.

Your hair smelled like (fav fruit). Kurloz suddenly had the urge to eat your hair. He decided not to act on that. He began to braid your hair. His ex had long, wild hair that took a while to untangle and braid.

'Why do I think of that?' he thought. 'She is far away now and the matter of motherfucking attraction is over.' He gingerly touched his lips.

'Besides,' he thought. '(Name) is the bitchtits candidate in terms of motherfucking dating. Perhaps more.'

You grunted in your sleep. Kurloz's long, skillful fingers twisted and laced your hair, creating a wonderfully neat braid. He scrutinized his handiwork for a minute before gently unbraiding the plait. He began again, this time leaving enough hair left over that he would be able to weave it into the braid or do something else.

~~~~~

When you awoke, you found yourself alone in your living room. Outside, it seemed to be nighttime now.

As you sat up, you automatically reached a hand up to finger comb your hair back from your face. You stopped the minute you felt something odd in your hair. You stood up and went to the nearest mirror. You turned your head and gave a small 'aww!' as you saw what Kurloz had done to your hair.

Kurloz had given you 4 strand braid pigtails!

"Kurloz!" you called out. There was a small clang and Kurloz poked his head out of the kitchen.

"Thank you for the braids!"

He gave you a thumbs up and disappeared back into the kitchen. You followed him and found that he was making a sandwich. It appeared to be peanut butter and blueberry jelly. Kurloz held the plate out to you.

You accepted it and chomped down. You quickly realized that it wasn't peanut butter or jelly. It was very... tangy. That was the only way you could describe it.

"Hey, Kurloz," you said, swallowing the sandwich chunk. "What is this?"

He grabbed two jars off the counter. You didn't own those, you realized. Kurloz must've brought them over.

Kurloz held the jars in front of you.

"Um, sorry. I can't read your written language." you said. Kurloz set the jars down and he grabbed a notepad and began writing something down while you cautiously took another bite. It wasn't so bad when you got past the first taste.

When Kurloz finished, he passed the note to you. He had surprisingly pretty cursive handwriting.

'Motherfucking grubsauce. Umber and navy.'

You cocked an eyebrow and asked a question you would soon regret.

"What's grubsauce?"

Kurloz took the notepad back and scribbled something else. He handed it back to you.

'Basically, the blood of motherfucking grubs. Otherwise known as lil troll motherfuckers in the infant stage of their life.'

You dropped your sandwich and you were lucky it landed on the plate. You stood frozen.

You had eaten the blood of troll babies. And you had enjoyed it.

"You... trolls... they... you eat... you eat your children...?" you asked haltingly.

Kurloz nodded.

'Tasty for you, yes?'

You weren't sure how to respond to that.

"Trolls eat their fucking babies." you whispered to yourself.

You heard Kurloz pick up the notepad and scribble something for a few minutes. He dropped it in front of you and you picked it up without looking up at him.

'It is pretty motherfucking curious,' he had written. 'But then again, maybe it's just some motherfucking culture differences and that ain't so hard to wrap your lil head around. We eat our lil infant motherfuckers because survival of the fittest, which you find barbaric, but that's just the world we have to motherfucking live in.

For instance, you use buckets all normal-like, which we find motherfucking disgusting because we're motherfucking forced to spew our genetic material into them with our ninjalicious matesprits and kismesis motherfuckers so that them drones can take it back to that pimpryda Momma Grub to mix in her miraculous belly and give out lil ho titty eggs. If we ain't got no motherfucking juice in us to give to the drone, it's kill on sight and so long, motherfucker! Looks like we're even, cultural wise."

You stared at the note for a minute.

"Jesus," you finally managed. This was more info about trolls than you had ever seen.

"... So that's why you guys are so uncomfortable with buckets?"

Kurloz nodded.

"That's... terrifying. Wow."

Kurloz shrugged.

"Is that why you have quadrants?"

Kurloz thought for a second then nodded while shrugging.

"So then... do you have a kismesis? or a matesprit?"

Kurloz shook his head. Your realized that this was your chance.

"Um... would you want... I mean... w-would you mind if I was... if..." You inhaled sharply and blurted out exactly what you had been wanting to say all year, "CouldIbeyourmatesprit??"

Kurloz stood as still as a statue, looking down at you. Finally, he slowly reached for the notepad and began to write on it. The quiet scratch of pen on paper made you nervous. Was he saying no the long way? Finally he finished and gave you the note.

It may have reached your lil earholes that in my last red relationship, I caused a pretty messed up motherfucking accident:o(. Are you sure, lil mama?'

"Yes! I heard about it before... but I'd still like to be with you!"

Kurloz took the notepad back and wrote something.

'Then alright! You're the freshest lil pimpryda miracle I've ever laid eyes on, so why the motherfuck not?'

Your face lit up and you laughed in excitement.

"Could you come down lower for a second?" you asked.

Kurloz bent his knees down and you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek.

Kurloz wrapped his arms around your middle and picked you up. He carried you out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch, making sure that you were situated in his lap. His hands rested on your hips and he squeezed them gently, giving you a soft, playful smile. You kissed his forehead and snuggled into his arms as they encircled you.

You didn't much mind if he was considered eerily creepy. You didn't mind if he was quiet all the time. Because he was sweet. And you loved each other. And that was that.