365 Days At The Swings

Sarah

*FLASHBACK*

The park was never too busy on Sundays. Nor was too deserted. It always had the perfect amount of people.

"I can't keep pushing you on the swings Sarah.'"

Leo randomly announced out-loud, the moment we arrived at the swings on one Sunday morning.

This statement itself caused me to stop, and then I faced him.

"And why is that?"

I asked with a pout, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Because you need to learn."

Leo said patiently, doing his best to hold onto his patience.

"Plus I want to go on the swings as well."

"I could push you afterwards."

I offered lamely, giving him a reassuring smile.

"But I want you to learn, and I want to swing with you as well."

"I already told you, I know how, but I could just never go high enough, and you know I like being high."

That was a lie, I refused to learn because I was just lazy. But in the back of my mind, I had another reason. I liked it when he pushed me, to feel his familiar hands pressed onto my back. His hands were always warm and mine were always cold, so I can always go to him for comfort you know? He was like a living blanket.

But when he always pushed me, it felt like he was pushing me towards the sky. It was as if he knew that I was destined for greater things.

"No, you need to learn."

Leo insisted, his patience slowly slipping.

"B-uut."

My words soon trailed off because I felt something drip on my arm.

Rain.

"Well I guess today is not the day, its raining."

I am not in HillStorm Hospital anymore. Instead, I am back at my room. The familiar clothes on my floor gives it way, plus if I turned my head to the side, near my table, there laid a box of Cornflakes.

Waiting for me to devour it.

I was home.

"Honey?"

My dad's voice rings in my mind, forcing me to focus on him.

"I am fine."

I answered back with a smile, giving him a soft nod.

It hurts to move, I had a massive headache. Or was it a migraine? I can never tell the difference.

"What's the last thing you remembered?"

My mother's voice pipes up, her kind tone making me want to cry.

She only used that tone whenever my dad or I were very ill.

"Being with the nurse."

My mother's eyes drop to immediate sadness, her tone is more softer when she says to me

"I don't know how to say this, but..."

'But what? Just spit out."

I hated it when people prolonged things. It wasn't needed. Just cut to the chase already.

"Touch your head honey."

My head? What was my mother asking? It was a peculiar thing to ask.

Didn't she know that I could be tempted to pull my hair out in any minute?

It's like offering a child a bucket load of candy.

And you know they won't be able to stop.

Trichotillomania is an addiction.

And my anxiety was slowly coming back.

But instead of finding my normal load of thick hair, my hand found a cool surface.

A bit confused, I moved my hand around my head.

Then it occurred to me.

I lost hair.

"It is not that much honey, merely a bald spot, we can get you a wig and then..."

"But nothing."

I snapped at her, tears threatening to come out of my eyes again.

"Well, this is your 2nd session, so consider yourself lucky that it is just a bald spot."

My mother muttered, trying to look at the bright side.

"No, this spot is the beginning. It will spread, it will be like a wildfire, it can't be tamed. And a wig won't change the fact that I am dying Mom. Don't you get? I don't understand why you bother to keep sending me to HillStorm, they said it themselves, I will die. So why don't you do yourselves a favor? Please just let me go, and just save your money. Didn't you want to go to Michigan this summer? To see your parents again? I bet Grandpa Millie and Grandma Willy would be glad to see you and dad. I don't want to hold you back. I am going to die mom."

I am shaking terribly, and my eyes is blood shot red.

"Honey I--"

"No, it's true, I am a burden."

The word burden lingers in my head, because it is the one word that perfectly describes who I am.

A burden.

"Listen to me, and listen to me well, you are not a burden, you have never been. Sarah Lanster, you will get better, listen to me, you WILL. I love you so much baby girl, you have no idea how proud I am of you. You been so brave, and I don't blame you for breaking down. But please don't give up on yourself, that is the one thing you must not do. You need to fight this Sarah, there is always hope. And hope is sometimes the only thing you can ever have."

Apparently, I still have some tears left, because after my mom's speech, I am wailing loudly.

Crying and laughing, all at the same time.

And the nice thing was, my mom allowed me to be vulnerable.

She let me release these flood of emotions that I have been hiding.

Because for once, I could cry about .

-Missing Prom

-Never going to college

-Never going to meet my baby brother

-Leaving everyone that I care about

"I love you both."

I muttered quietly, glancing towards both my mother and father.

Then as if it was on cue, my mother and father gathered around me.

Each pulling me into a hug.

"We love you too Snug Bug."