Dear Josh,

selfish ambition

This update's pretty late but I hope you loyal readers can forgive me! Vote, comment, and follow if you like it!

Monday, October 6

Dear Josh, 

Friday came and went like a summer breeze. You didn't come to school that day, so nothing significant happened. It's almost as if the world can't carry on when you're not around. At least I know mine can't.

However, something big certainly happened today. I'll use as much detail as I remember to explain what happened; I never want to forget this moment. There's no way to do the story any justice other than starting from the beginning.

I came to school, and a while later I went to chemistry. You were there; that wasn't anything special (although it was). It was an average class period. We took notes and then "discussed them with our partner," which basically meant us talking about nothing until the period ended. It was awkward; I'll admit that. I'm sure we were both thinking about what happened in that bathroom - where we almostfuckingtouched before I ran like the coward I am. You decided not to bring it up, and I think I'm glad. I probably would have had another panic attack in front of you, which I don't think I could handle doing.

I wore a skirt today. Pleated and pastel pink. On top I wore a soft white sweatshirt. It may have been my eyes but it seemed like you kept glancing at the skirt calmly. It wasn't an accusing stare; instead it was curious and interested. I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but later I couldn't help writing it out to Melanie and Hayley. They, of course, freaked out and made a big deal out of it. You were just surprised, I'm sure of it. You wouldn't judge me based on it, I know that. The only other option is that you liked it. It's unlikely, but a boy can dream, right? If not then I've been in big trouble ever since I met you.

After I told my best friends everything, that seemed to be all they could talk about. As a result, lunch seemed to pass very quickly. Then it was time for PE. It's always been one of my least favorite classes, because I've never been very athletic, but I somehow still managed to have an A in the class. I think the teacher's in love with me or something. Not in the creepy way though; I know what you're thinking. More in the she-feels-sorry-for-me kind of way.

Anyway, you weren't in class; I was confused. I decided to sit out because I figured you were late, which meant you wouldn't be dressing out. I figured I would much rather spend the period talking to you then to spend it knowing you were sitting there by yourself. All that was left to do was wait. I sat at the bottom of the outdoor bleachers, my legs crossed in front of me. The rest of the class was running laps, and they were obviously jealous that I got to sit out, because I got quite a few comments as the other students ran by. As a girl I knew as a cheerleader ran past, she yelled, "Another headache? Or do you just wanna stare at all the boys?" This was a tone I recognized all too easily: jealousy. I never understood why it was there, but for some reason I make people feel this way. I always thought it was a) the excuse out of PE, b) the fact that I didn't give a shit about gender expectations, c) the fact that I didn't speak, or d) the possibility that they really were worried I would steal their boyfriends. Either way, I flipped her off with a cutesy look on my face. That wasn't the comment that really bothered me though.

It was when the buff senior who's flunking most of his classes walked by and spewed, "What's the matter? Did your boyfriend go too hard last night?" I shook my head and rolled my eyes. He didn't even bother learning my "boyfriend's" name. I assume he was talking about you of course. 

I tried to not think of you, I did. But when he brought you up...

I stood, checking for the coach before picking up my backpack and flattening my skirt. I was pretty surprised to hear the boy's voice again when he said, "Yeah, you go ahead and suck a dick pretty boy." That's the goal, I thought to myself. Instead of responding, I just smiled and waved as I walked away. It's funny how people like him can't even come up with good insults. Calling me pretty? Ouch, that one hurt.

I'm noticing myself getting off topic again, so I'll get back to the main point.

I danced away slowly, not really caring how fast I walked. I was still thinking about where you could be, until it suddenly hit me. It seemed obvious as I realized you had revealed to me your hiding place: under the bleachers. So that's where I went, picking up the pace. The period had been going on for about 15 minutes, and I didn't want to waste any possible time with you. 

You were extremely easy to find once I rounded the large metal bleachers. Your hair was what gave you away. If it were gray or black or white, I may have missed you. I walked right up to you, for some reason not feeling afraid. I waved as you turned my way looking startled; I couldn't help but crack a grin. I noticed that you weren't smoking, but I could smell the residue of your last cigarette. My smile became a frown when you said, "What are you doing here?" I wasn't angry at what you said, it was the toxic smell attached to your words.

I opened my Notebook and opened to a fresh page, where I had already written the same sentence. I underlined the "you" and showed it to you as you popped a mint in your mouth. You exhaled a sort of chuckle and answered, "Didn't feel like running, did feel like a smoke. So, I killed two birds with one stone." I shook my head in disappointment. You moved to stand directly in front of me as I leaned on the fence behind me. You placed your hands on my shoulders, barely touching me. You must have thought I was going to break up or fall apart, although I knew I wouldn't. I was on fire inside, and my breathing hitched audibly although I tried to hide it. "I'm sorry, honest. I'm close to stopping, okay?"

That's when I decided to do something risky. I didn't know where my sudden courage was coming from, but I wrote nervously, looking up at you for confirmation before turning the notebook around. I bit my bottom lip as you mouthed the words I had written. I couldn't take my eyes off your lips as you read, "Nobody wants to kiss a smoker, Joshua."

The tension rose very quickly as you stared into my eyes, a smirk pulling at your cheeks. "I know someone who might," you growled. I couldn't breathe; I thought I was dreaming. I almost laughed in response, guessing that you were just joking.

But it wasn't funny anymore when your hands moved to my cheeks and your lips attached to mine hungrily. My Notebook dropped to the floor, completely forgotten. I gasped at the sudden contact, and you deepened the kiss, causing me to drape my arms over your shoulders, connecting my hands at the back of your neck. Your tongue snaked into my mouth, and it suddenly became harder to hold back the little noises threatening to escape my mouth. I pulled you in closer and you sighed against my lips. 

All too soon, you pulled away; our lips disconnecting with a deafening smack. Still catching your breath, you stuttered out, "I-I gotta go." You threw your backpack over your shoulder and ran off before I could say anything in return. I stood there for a moment, stunned. I was still trying to slow my breathing when the first tear ran down my face. I wasn't entirely sure why, but I was crying. Maybe it was the way you had abandoned me, maybe it was the shock. Maybe it wasn't you at all. 

The rest of school went by quickly, as all I could think about was your lips on mine. It's all I've been thinking about all day, really. So I guess you could say today was special. 

You're a really good kisser by the way.

With love and hopes of more moments like today,

Tyler

I hope the length of this chapter (1.4k words?? I don't know how I did it) makes up for how late it is. I love you guys, I just wanted a little hiatus. I'll see you sooner next time loves 🌸🖤!