Rant/Stat/Diary

idk

So uh hi it's close to two in the morning so.fuxking bare with me. This is just my night thoughts, so tonight I watched a couple episodes that basically took up my entire Christmas break obsessing over.  It's a semi romantic w a girl who likes a boy who she isn't sure if he likes her back and they're both leading double lives and it's kinda hard to describe rn so yeah,, and idk I also watched some cute comic dubs of it and there.was one when the girl (let's call her m rn) is writing a diary entry and says something about it getting g more and more exhausting to hide her feelings and idk it just really hit me that I've liked someone almost a year now And I've never told him, I've really only told one person that went to that school and is also possibly reading this. Sigh. Anyway.

I keep getting things that I'm running out of space ha fuck

So basically I act like I hate him and sometimes (often) he plays along but we know we're just joking. And hes a dick, who is also one of the most damn amazing people I've ever met. Like fuck. He's just really really nice to me even though I never have or will deserve any of that and I'm the worst person to ever exist like,,idk why he's so nice to me. Once I was crying and the choir had.to collab w the gym and I was in choir, him gym. He saw me and just sat there with me and let me cry and damnit I loved him even more after that. And I usually put my head on the table to attempt to get some extra rest and he's always so sweet like,, he wants me to get up but he also will let me keep my head down and once he even sang to me, actually it was probably more than once muemory sucks but really. He's always able to tell when.im.mot happy and he.must at least look at me when I don't notice it because I really dpmt.smile a lot but he once said he could tell I wasn't okay because he always saw me smiling and idk. I just really fucking like him and in the first day of school last year I said to myself "at the end of this year you'll be in love with him' and fuck was I in Denial for a while. I slowly got closer to him and kept telling myself I liked someone from a long time ago but I was really trying to not let myself like him, that was in October/November. By December I said fuck it and realized I had liked him so much. I was lying to myself. I had known in August it would happen and then I didn't let it.  In September I had to keep telling myself I wasn't feeling anything real. I beat myself up over and over about liking him asking myself.how I could let this happen. I didn't want to.accept it. I had a really really bad past experience with another crush semi recently and I didn't wanna get hurt again. Then I let myself love him and fuck when I said feelings were coming, I mean feelings came. Suddenly I just looked at him and thought I wanted to be with him and to call him mine and idk. He always had my eye. I has just then decided to let it happen. I don't even know what was worse. Being in denial and hating myself for loving him. It didn't help.that during that time in the year m mental health had completely crashed. It was so.bad. I fell into. Old habits that I hadn't thought about for a while. It got really bad. really bad. My online friends. We're constantly watching me have mental break down after break down  that was a really low. point. Then in December I went to a concert I had been looking forward to for months and I got better it slowly went up. It was still pretty bad but for the.most part climbing back up (until like February lmao) and then I had let my feelings.in and it.was overwhelming. I could hardly handle how intense my feelings for him were and I saw.him every day and just wanted to kiss him. I really don't know what else to say or what the point of.this was but I just felt like aaykng something and I do a.lit. I realizr that. But its because I hate people. That know him knowing about it. Anyway bye:)

Update: I started this at 1:45 and now it's 2:21 am yeet