Emotionless (Septiplier)

4.

Before I start I just want to apologize for the slow updates to this book. A lot is going on in my life that is really tough to get through right now.

~Sean~

I sat in my classroom unsure of what feeling I was experiencing. I didn't know if the emotions I happened to be experiencing at the moment were set in stone. They felt as if they were drifting and swaying. Not staying in a constant motion. They were twisting and turning in an impossible way. As if all emotions were mixing together at once, then they spun around each other fighting for dominance.

I held my head in my hands as my body shook in the silence of the classroom. My shaking going unnoticed by the entirety of the class. 

I felt what I knew as guilt for yelling at Mark, even if he won't understand what I was yelling about or what exactly I was doing with my voice or actions. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really sure what caused me to go overboard on him myself. Maybe it was because I was already feeling strange and alone. 

I also was feeling frustrated from being unable to share emotions with others. I was frustrated with others because they can't understand who I am and what I feel. I was frustrated from feeling alone all the time. And most importantly I frustrated with who I am, because I never asked to be this way. 

I happened to be feeling lonely as well. For the same reasons for me being frustrated as well. I was lonely because no one understood me, and because I couldn't share emotions with anyone. 

And finally I was feeling a slight bit of happiness that I got from spending time with Mark. Talking to him, telling him how I feel, him giving me bits of attention that I was desperate to have given to me. 

It was all so confusing to me. Why was I chosen to be given this amazing and hurtful power called emotion?  Why did I deserve to go through the pain and suffering of loneliness and yet was gifted the thrill of emotions? When these two things clash together, only one comes out alive and it happened to be the pain and suffering being utterly alone in this cruel unforgiving world, because, if I must remind you, no one has the power to forgive or the power to care in the first place. 

In reality, it feels like I'm drowning. I'm unable to breathe for the fear of water seeping into my mouth, filling my lungs up with water and killing me after a long battle to get to the surface. But there is also something inside of you that makes you want to scream for help, but the silence that fills your ears tells you that no one will hear you anyways. You're completely underwater, the waves crash above your head and if you even near the top, the waves will pull you back under again. The cold water that surrounds you lets you know that no other warm body will be coming to rescue you from the terror of the dark blue water that surrounds you. It reminds you that you're alone, that no one cares. Because in their reality, the water's grey and so are you and they don't know how to save you because it doesn't say how in the large book of rules. You're completely alone, remember?

I then take a deep breath and the blue water's gone and the bland colors of the classroom seep back into my vision. I look at the clock on the wall and see I was drowning for awhile. It's almost time for school to end and for me to go on following the rules with dead eyes and a dead heart, the act I must play to fit in with the rest of society. 

The shriek of the bell bounced off the walls of the room and rested in my ears as everyone, including me packed up their stuff in an orderly manner and walked out the door in a straight line, politely wishing the teacher farewell as they walked out the door and traveled home for the night, everyone following the same schedule they always have.

I follow suit, putting on the mask of the dead souls that walk along the road as a way to conform to societies rules an expectations as I walk home in silence. Once I make it home, I greet my family politely as I make my way up to my confined safe space, in other words, my room. 

I flop onto my bed and my mind lets go and my hearts takes control. I hear a loud sob come from the back of my throat as drops of water flew from my eyes. They poured down my face at an unexpected velocity as deep, scratchy cries tumbled from my mouth. My body shook again as I tangled my hands in my hair and pulled as all of the uncertainty left within me, rose from my chest and floated out my mouth and eyes. I pulled my hands away from my hair before I yank all of it out and curled my hands into a ball and squeezed my hands tightly. I screamed as I cried more heavily as I pierced my palms with my fingernails. 

I wasn't too sure how long it was as I felt the tears dry up and my hands grow weaker and my body stops shaking as I lay there curling up into a ball. I only laid there and wished that I could just stop feeling so I never could break down again. So I could never feel lonely again. So I could be like everyone else. 

Every emotion stopped for awhile and I took this time to do my work I was assigned. I hated doing it, as I felt like I was disrespecting my thoughts and feelings by pushing them away to do some insignificant work. But I knew that they had to be done or else I would be in major trouble as consequences would be brought upon me if I broke anymore rules at school. 

Once I finished, I shoved the papers into my backpack and fell backwards onto my bed. I wasn't really thinking about anything specific until someone crossed my mind. Mark. I still wasn't entirely sure about my thoughts on him. They were just too confusing to sort out at the moment. But I knew one thing for sure, I needed to be with him again.

FINALLY! I know I took forever updating but I have a feeling I am going to have slow updates on this book. Also next week I'm going to either not update at all or update like crazy because I will be getting my wisdom teeth out and will be laying low for like a week because lucky me has all 4 wisdom teeth and 2 of them are all turned weird or squished. *sigh* Why do I always get weird problems? Anyways I hope you enjoyed! I know a lot of you have been waiting for this update! Bye!!