i was having a bunch of weird dreams, which made it nearly impossible to sleep. as soon as i fully woke up, i realized that ethan's arms weren't around me. i was starting to feel uneasy, the spot next to me in the bed was cold and empty.
fuck.
i got out of bed, and made my way to the edge of grayson's bed. "gray, wake up."
he immediately opened his eyes, and sat up. he was a much lighter sleeper than ethan.
he rubbed his eyes, and yawned. "what's going on, is everything okay?"
i shook my head, and stood up. "ethan isn't in bed, and i have a really bad feeling.."
grayson jumped out of bed, and motioned for me to come with him. we quickly made our way downstairs, and looked around.
i wasn't prepared for what i saw next. ethan was on the kitchen floor, surrounded by an almost empty case of beer. when he looked up at us, i noticed how red and bloodshot his eyes were.
i couldn't speak, i had no idea what to do. he pushed away the four empty beer bottles that were huddled around him, and patted the spot next to him. "come sit."
i looked at grayson, before making any moves. "get behind me," he whispered. "i mean it."
i sucked in my breath, and moved behind grayson.
he rubbed his eyes again. "i thought that this might happen. this is my fault," his voice cracked. "what's wrong, e? you never told me that something was wrong. you never told mase, either."
i couldn't really see ethan, since grayson was blocking my view.
"f-fuck, i don't want masey to see me like this," he was struggling to get his words out. all of the sudden, he started bawling.
oh, no.
"i don't... i was okay with talking about my problems, but when i broke my clean streak... i forgot how to solve problems. the beer helps me cope."
i couldn't help but feel responsible for him breaking his streak. i brought him to hawaii in the first place, i didn't even bother to keep an eye on him.
i could feel a stream of warm tears dripping down my face.
stop it.
ethan took a deep breath, before continuing. "i feel like i'm living two lives. there's ethan on camera, and ethan off camera. ethan on camera is always happy, energetic. i can't always be like that. i don't want to disappoint fans, um.. i don't want to disappoint anyone. i don't know if i want to do this anymore. i just want to get away, i want to be with you guys."
**
the next day was... painful, to say the least. we had another intervention, but this time was way more serious than the last. it wasn't held in the comfort of the dolan home, this time.
our group therapist was leading the intervention. she had us express our feelings on the spot, we didn't have time to write letters. at the end of the session, everybody was in tears.
tears of happiness, tears of pain. it was all the same, at this point.
ethan was going to be at a rehab facility, for a little over a month. he wasn't allowed to have visitors until he made a significant amount of progress. i knew that this would be good for him, but it hurt so fucking bad.
i couldn't stop playing the scene in my head, over and over again.
he looked so cute and sleepy, but so sad. "you're not leaving me, are you? i mean, i would understand if you wanted to leave... i just... please stay."
i wasn't leaving him. i loved him so fucking much, he was just going through a rough patch. i was going to stay by his side, no matter what.
before he left for rehab, he gave me a kiss. "i love you more than anything, buttercup. don't worry about me too much, i'm going to try my hardest. for me, and for everybody else that cares about me."
when he left, we all huddled into a group hug. "it's okay, he's strong. he's going to be okay. there's nothing that ethan can't do, and he knows that. on the bright side, we all have each other to lean on. he'll be improving in no time."
we all hoped that lisa was right.
**
a/n: I'M CRYINF RHIS WAS SO HARD TO WRITE
