Binta

Chapter Twenty- Four

Today it's exactly one year since you left us.

I sometimes forget that you are not here anymore...not for long but for a split second and sometimes I speak to you and hope you can hear me and say something to me. I try to stop thinking about you all the time because it makes me sad but I just can't Dad most especially when I have so much to tell you.

And sometimes I play the "what if game...."

What if you alive...? Would my true identity be exposed?

And if yes will it make a difference if you were here? Yes! Nobody would have hurt me because I know you won't let it, but now I'm so vulnerable.

But dad when were you ever going to tell me? We tell each other eventually everything, I know my mom might hide it from me forever, but you don't hide things from me why then did you hide this fact about me, sometimes I just want to get angry at you for not telling me the truth about me but I just can't, you did no wrong dad, but you should have prepared me for it, you should have given me a sign, something to question if you really were my biological father. But rather you loved me endlessly, even better than your biological children ,I was your favorite girl, you call me sugar and my siblings gets jealous often times , you were the best dad, my first love and solace and then death snatched you away from me and forsaken me, now I'm nothing but the bastard child! I'm so ashamed of myself.

I have been avoiding not speaking to you about my love life but I'm sure you know somehow. Dad I'm in love with my boss and he loves me too but I just can't do it I'm scared of what if... I'm loved and left alone? What if....i become a laughing stock and called the girl that was born on the street? I'm afraid of being degraded. Though he knows all about me and accepts me for whom I'm but dad you accepted my mom but your family never did after you were gone. What if same happens to me?

This leads me to the search of my so called biological dad, not because I want him in my life NO! But behind bars, I want to hurt him so bad as much as he has hurt mom and I, I hate him so much dad. I know you frowning at me for saying all this harsh words but please don't judge me just understand my pain.

"Binta...." My mom cut me shorts my quiet moment. I hurriedly dried my tears and put on my mask.

"Naam" I stepped out of my father's room quietly. Since his death I had not stepped foot into that room till today and I felt his presence so strong, I couldn't help it but break. I miss him so much.

"Are you not going to eat today? What have you been doing inside your father's room?" my mom asked without looking at me and I was so glad.

"I will mama...I was studying..." I lied and she raised her head to look at me and I quickly turned my face away.

"Come here Binta seat down" she said calmly and I obeyed and this time I fixed my gaze to the ground.

"I miss him too" she said slowly "and after today we won't remember him and cry but smile and pray for him...no more tears" she added calmly and I couldn't help but collapse in her arms and wept out my heart.

"Mama I miss him so much" I sobbed.

"His happy wherever he is I can feel it" she said and I was amaze at my mom's new strength, I must confess I love it.

"Go dish your food I made your favorite" she said and I flew to the kitchen not without giving her a thank you peak.

Even If I don't have appetite for my favorite food today I must eat it because my mother made it for me out of love and with a heavy heart just for me to be happy.

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Binta! How is Barr.Musa" my mom asked and I choked on my food.