Lost In My Thoughts

Friends

Why do I even bother making friends anymore all I ever do is push them away till there is on one left for me. I hate that I do this. Even though it's all my fault I still feel as if it's there's for not trying hard enough to stay. Friends are not a thing in my life. I don't really count anyone as a friend. I'm too much of a poison to others that they don't want to stand me. I'm a poison to myself. I make myself feel numb and weak. I hate myself everyday as the days go by. I hate myself so much I can no longer hate anyone but me. I'm scared of the fact that one day it will only be me and myself. The thing that scars me the most are the dreams I have, my thoughts. Even the pure fact of being alone with them scares me, the things I think I say it to often that it's become the truth. Back to the topic of friends. I'm too much for myself to handle so if I can't handle myself how can someone else handle me they can't that's why I am too much. I'm sorry to all those how I have wronged I'm sorry for being me the self absorbed weirdo who is nothing and never will me anything to anyone I'm sorry. I'm sorry u have to look at me everyday, a face so ugly even god couldn't look at me. I put up walls so that only a select few can actual climb, people have come close but it was too much for them so they fell and never tried again. Reasons why I don't have friends I put too much of a Barrier, I'm too much to handle, I look scary, I'm too ugly for society. The list goes on and on. I also thought friends where people who u trust, love, care for when the are sad. But none of those things are the friends I have yeah every now and then people do seem to care. I put a brave face on so that people who truly are my true friends can see behind the lie and see that I'm actual broken, so broken it's almost unfixable or worth anything. The people who see the real u, who see through the lie are the people who are truly ur friends. So hold on to them and never let go. Those people are so rare to find, ur lucky if u have a friend like that. I have a friend like that it's me. I scary myself sometimes but at the end of the it's gonna be me who's alone in my grave no one else. No one else will be in my grave just me. My lifeless body, I can almost feel it now. Sometimes this life isn't worth my breaths, or my heat beat that keeps me alive. Someone else deserve life anyone that isn't me. I abuse life like I abuse myself. I described myself like poison. When I first me someone they could possible like so they take me again every time they take I give them more of me until they can no longer stand me so the move on to a different drug only a few people have been able to with stand me but yet I still see them as not true friends. Maybe I will never know what that feels like, the feeling of trusting someone with ur story, ur life. I don't know if I ever well honestly.