Losing Eight Lives

4 | Reasons To Live

I sat on my bed that Friday and listened to music.

Amanda and Carter were simply in love with each other. They sat together at lunch, and stayed after school with each other, they kissed and hugged told the other how amazing they were.

Yet somehow, she still seemed depressed about something.

Suddenly, I saw the screen of my phone light up and I heard it vibrate. When I glanced at it I saw Amanda had texted me.

Amanda: Hey, can I talk to you?

My heart pounded a little.

Me: Sure... Want to come over?

She answered immediately.

Amanda: Yes plz. Thanks luv u. See u in a few.

I picked my room up a little and went downstairs for a quick snack.

"Hey, Amanda can come over for a few hours right?" I asked my mom when she walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah of course," she said with a smile.

"Cool,"

I started for the refrigerator when my mom stopped me by placing a hand on my shoulder. "You know I love you, right?"

My face twisted into a puzzled look and I took a step away from the fridge. "Of course, Mom," I paused, "Are you feeling okay?"

She laughed and just shook her head, "Oh I'm fine-ne," she stuttered over the last word and suddenly became fuzzy, like my vision was playing tricks on me.

I blinked, rubbed my eyes and looked at her again. She was normal looking now.

"Okay . . ." I responded, just as the doorbell rang. "But I still think you should see a Doctor or something."

I grabbed an apple to eat and hurried to my front door while my mom just laughed behind me. When I opened the door, Amanda stood on my front porch, red in the face and trembled the slightest bit, tears in her eyes.

"Hi," I greeted softly, "Let's go upstairs."

We quickly ran up the stairs and into my room. I made sure my door was shut and locked tight, and when I turned around, Amanda was in a ball on my bed.

She sobbed for a few long seconds before I set my apple down and sat next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry into my shoulder, feeling warm tears on my shirt. My snack and my mom was soon forgotten.

I shushed Amanda softly. "Hey, hey," I said rubbing her back a little to calm her down. "It's ok, it's alright." I let her cry a little longer. When she looked a little more calmed down, I spoke. "What's going on?"

She sniffed in some air through her plugged nose and took a deep unsteady breath. "I just really need someone to talk to."

I nodded and got more comfortable. "You can talk to me," my lips curled into a sad smile.

"Thanks," she paused and pulled herself together. "My parents are in a huge fight. It seems like all they do is scream at each other. And when the other isn't around they take their anger out on me. So, I can't talk to them." She stopped, like she was trying to figure out how to word something, "I feel trapped. Like I'm not going anywhere in life." She breaths a few sharp breaths and more tears spring in her eyes. "I'm a failure, Phoebe," she sobbed.

I felt my own eyes get puffy with tears and gave her a hug. "Amanda," I swallowed. "Amanda, you're not a failure. You are a beautiful girl who deserves so much better than this." I tried to comfort her. I tried to think of something else to say. But she beat me to it.

"Phoebe, I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I . . . I-" she looked down and slowly pulled up her sleeve, revealing red lines that could have only been one thing.

Amanda cut.

My eyes dripped with tears and I felt my heart hurt. I reached up and grabbed her arm, carefully running my fingers along the scars. "Amanda . . ."

She nodded. "I know," she said quietly and sobbed into my shirt again.

All I could do was hold her tight, and listen.

She looked back up at me and swallowed again. "Yesterday," she starts slowly. "I took a pair of scissors," she took a deep breath. "And I placed them on my neck . . ."

She trailed off. Which was fine with me. I didn't want to hear all the ways she could have hurt herself.

I shushed her and gave her another hug. "Shhhh," I kept muttering over and over again.

Finally, after a few long minutes, she started to calm down again. And I took this opportunity to say something.

"Amanda, you need to stop." I said as firm but nice as possible. "Because cutting can lead to more serious things. Things you can't take back. Things that don't heal. And you won't get a do-over." I held her, feeling more tears stinging my eyes. "I'm getting you help." I decided. "Just hang on for a few more days. I promise it will be over soon."

As I said those words I had no idea how I would help. Just that I would. Whether that meant going to a councilor or helping her gain her confidence back.

"I don't want to lose you. Ever." I said, glancing at her cuts that were still visible. "I can't lose you. I need you. I need you in one piece."

She sat up finally, and looked at me through teary eyes. "I need you too." she sobbed, but quickly pulled herself back together. "You and Carter are like the only things that keep me going." she said honestly.

I nodded with sympathy. I wished I could have done something to help her right at that second. But all I could do was sit there with her, and let her sob until she felt better.

"Hey," I said, making her look up at me. "I need you to make me another promise."

Amanda looked at me for a while, her expression unreadable. "Okay . . ."

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "I need you to stay."

Her face twisted with confusion for the slightest second, until she realized what I meant. Her eyes teared up again as she looked into my eyes. "Phoebe . . ." she said, as if I was making her promise too much. She opened her mouth to say something but instead just breathed.

"Please Amanda."

I saw her swallow hard. She looked down at my bed sheets. "Okay . . ."

"No," I demanded. "I need you to look at me, and promise me you will not leave me." I felt tears in my own eyes.

She met my eyes and looked at me for a second. "I promise." she said.