Losing Eight Lives

11 | A Note

"So what should we do with her?" Jace asked, examining Amanda for himself.

"Well I don't want to just leave her up there." It took almost an hour, but finally I accepted what Amanda did to herself. I found my voice again, and although my heart ached, I went on.

"The ground is too frozen to bury her, and I don't want to bury her in the snow and have to see her again in the spring when the snow melts." Jace thought out loud.

The thought of finally getting over her, just to see her body on the brown grass of spring, made me cringe. "Yeah, I don't want to do that either."

There are many things we could do with Amanda, but all of the ideas that came to my mind disgusted me. Burning her, throwing her in the woods for the animals. A pain sliced through my heart. I just wanted to bury her.

"We could just lie her on her couch with blankets. Then we can have her parents decide what to do." Jace suggested.

I looked at him. The idea was perfect. "Yeah," I said and looked back up to Amanda's empty eyes. "Perfect."

Jace nodded and walked over to pick up the stool, and untie Amanda. He did it so casually it almost scared me. The most I saw was his hands trembling slightly. As he lifted the stool, something bright white caught the corner of my eye.

I turned my head to find a small piece of paper laying a few feet away from Amanda's dangling feet. I had no idea how I missed it before--now that I saw it, the paper seemed so white it almost glowed. I slowly walked over to it and kneeled to pick it up. The white surface was folded in half, and cold in my fingers.

When I opened it my eyes immediately landed on writing inside. A message:

I couldn't take it anymore.

Tell the jerks (they know who they are) that I hope they're happy.

Tell Phoebe that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Amanda

I stared at the black words on the glowing white piece of paper. They looked rushed, and in Amanda's unmistakable handwriting.

My eyes wouldn't leave the words I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and my heart ached a thousand times more as I suddenly understood. She knew that she promised. She knew she broke it and she wanted me to know that.

I sat there, imagining Amanda looking at the rope reluctantly, but feeling like it was her only option.

"What's that?" Jace asked from behind me.

When I turned around, my face must have showed the pain my heart felt, because Jace's expression saddened and his next words were soft. "What's it say?"

My eyes fell to the ground, then to him again, and finally back to the floor as I handed it to him. While he read it, I looked up at Amanda. I could imagine her wet eyes looking at me, and her mouth saying the words I read on her note. I'm so sorry.

Jace looked up at me with big eyes and a look that proved he knew he had no idea what I could be going through. "Phoebe . . ."

"I know," I said quietly.

He handed the paper back to me, but as I took it, he held my hand tight. I tried a failed attempt to pull it away, but he didn't let go until I met his eyes. With one last squeeze, be let me take the note.

My gaze landed on the same words as I read the note once more. Tell Phoebe that I'm sorry.

-=-=-=-

We stood back and admired our work.

Amanda laid on her back on the couch in her living room. Jace placed a blanket on top of her while I found some plastic flowers in a vase in her room. Now, she held the flowers to her chest and stared at the ceiling with glossy eyes.

"Almost forgot," I walked up next to her again, and slowly slid my thumb and pointer finger over her eyes. She looked more peaceful that way.

Kipper sat next to Amanda. He whined a little and looked up at me with sad eyes as if he knew.

I kneeled down and rubbed the little dog's head. He might have known what happened, but he would never know why. The worst part.

Getting up, I stepped back with Jace again. "What do we do now?"

He hesitated before answering, "I don't know."

The question seemed to keep continue to have no answer. We were running out of things to do, people to check up on, places to go. "I guess we go back to my house."

He nodded and started toward the door while I gave Amanda one last look. She looked more peaceful than I've seen her in a long time. I could almost picture her waking up all of a sudden. Opening her eyes, getting up from the couch and walking over to me. Giving me a hug and smiling.

But then her words from days before echoed in my head: I promise. Followed by: I'm sorry.