The Shadows

The Old VS The New (1)

Victoria Bates

I laid in my bed, just staring up at the ceiling debating whether or not to get up and go to school. Not like my father would really notice, he's probably passed out drunk like usual. I wonder if he actually made it home this time. 

I roll my eyes at thought knowing by a simple look at my phone and seeing the 10+ missed calls by "Jim"- Jim was my dad, I'm saying that lightly. Normally, I would call him back and figure out where he was so I could come and get him, but I was tired of being the babysitter. It's supposed to be the other way around, him coming to get me when I went out drinking and disciplining me. 

Fuck, I miss the old days when my mother was here. I was so much younger then, and Jim was so kind and loving. When she died, he took out his anger on me. I guess it doesn't help that she was murdered on my 6th birthday, it's hard for me too ya know. For 11 years, I haven't celebrated my birthday ever since then, I try to forget it really. 

I felt my eyes start to water, and I squeezed my eyes closed which made up my mind of staying home. It's a bad day, but it's not like I have many days anyways. I pulled my blanket up over my head trying to block out as much light as possible. 

"What are you doing baby girl?" My mother would ask she entered my room. She gasped  pretended like she was worried. "Oh no, where is my little Tori?"  Typical movie right? My mother and father were recently married, and first house, I of course was the reason they got married. I was only 3- I had 3 more years with my mom until I lost her forever- so it was like puppy love.

"Tori?" Her voice was so soft and kind, oh god, its been so long since I've heard it I have to imagine what it sounds like. We do have video tapes of us as a family but my father had them hidden away, and I don't think I can ever watch them. More because of my father, seeing the old him makes me miss that. I miss my father. It breaks my heart to look the man in the eye who's name is on my birth records. 

"Ahh there you are!" She yelled as she pulled the blanket off of me. She then began to tickle me. I hated being tickled, so of course that's why my mother always had to tickle me. I'd do anything for her to tickle me again right now. 

Now I'm balling my eyes out, trying not to sob. Although no one was around, I was told crying is weak especially if you allow someone else to see you cry; you should be ashamed then. By Jim... I don't know why I believe that, maybe it was the look in his eyes. It was only like a week or so after the accident, and he was just overwhelmed by emotion. There was so much pain and hurt, I didn't understand very well.

I was slowly falling back asleep when my phone started ringing. I wonder if it was my father, which it usual was. But it was unusual for me not to call him back and find out where he was to come and get him. I wonder if hes sober now? Dumb question, my father doesn't even know what sober is.

Immediately after it stopped ringing it started up again. I groaned and grabbed my phone angrily. I just wanted to be alone today, but of course my dunk father probably got kicked out of another damn bar. 

I didn't bother to look at the caller ID. "Hello." I said it with a lot of attitude. I knew it was probably someone from the bar that my father passed out in, I was just being rude to someone who was only trying to help. But I was annoyed with anyone and everyone, no one will leave me alone.

"Bad day?" I was surprised to hear Matt's voice. That was my boyfriend, he was sweet and kind and he's everything I asked for in a guy but for some reason I don't feel it between us. Well between me, it's me. I mentally rolled my eyes at that thought. 

Its not you its me . Its a bullshit ass excuse, I know. But now I understand. You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone ya know? Its too stressful and builds up a lot of anger and annoyance to the person and the people around them. I know what you're saying, why don't you leave him? Yes, why wont  I leave him?

Disappointment. Everyone expects us to be together, I don't want to disappoint everyone. I know it would break his heart as well if I did. Its nice to have someone to talk to, even though doesn't understand. He has a mom that loves him dearly and does her best to care for him, they're best friends. Its hard for me to go over to his house anymore because I'm filled with pure jealousy.

"Is it Jim again." He said after I didn't answer. "I'm on my way, did you pick him up yet?"

"No Matt, get to school." I sighed. "Its an alone day for me."

"Oh..." I'd upset him, but if he was here I'd probably say something worse. "Okay, call me if you need anything. I love you."

"Love you too."  I hung up and went to back to sleep.

° ° °

I felt something wet on my forehead and I jumped up ready to defend myself. 

It was fucking Matt. He'd kissed my forehead, Now I was pretty pissed. He didn't understand space or alone time. He was always up my ass and shit. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

He was holding flowers and some chocolates, it was sweet and I should be thankful but I wasn't in the mood. I made that clear right? 

"Calm down, its just me." I wish it wasn't. "I brought you flowers and candy." He smiled proud of himself. 

I ran my finger through my hair and tried to compose myself. "Thanks." I took the stuff and set them on my bed and checked my phone. Jim had called 20+ times, he's probably furious. 

Then to make things better, someone knocked on the door. It must be national come to my house day or something.  I stomped down the steps and do the door ready to explode, it only pissed me off more when they knocked again. Sorry I'm not fucking flash and cant get to my door in 2.5 seconds.

I opened the door and I was surprised to see 2 police officers at my door. My 2 favorite -not really- officers, they're the one's who are always sent out to get my father when he gets out of hand. What they don't know is that shit always gets out of hand even at home. Mentally not physically, I mean. I dare my father to lay a hand on me.

"Good afternoon Tori." Officer Snider offered his hand out for a handshake, out of habit I shook it. I nodded to both of them, I don't have a really good filter and I had a lot of shit I wanted to say. Saying nothing was probably best. "You already know why were here, but I also have bad news for ya."

Fucking great.

"Bad news?" I tried to say in the nicest tone possible but we all knew I was about to explode. It didn't help that I could literally feel Matt standing up my ass. A million thoughts ran through my head, what the hell has Jim gotten into now?

"Jim, unfortunately," Officer Cartly sighed. "is being put in jail, for breaking and entering and criminal damage. The court date hasn't been established yet."

"Normally we would call, but we assumed you wouldn't have a ride." Officer Snider glanced at Matt. I shook my head mentally telling him he was not taking me anywhere. I would take my mom's car illegally anyways, a ride is not  a problem for me. 

I know what you're thinking. If your mom isn't around anymore why don't you sell the car? I don't know why my dad wont sell it. Sometimes at night, when he thinks I'm sleeping he'll sit out in moms car. It's hard to see from my window but it looks like he's crying. Besides, I like that car, it brings me closer to my mom. I never really got to know her, and this is the closest I can get. 

"He's in the car if you wanna talk to him." Snider continued.

I felt a smirk appear on my face. Damn right I wanted to say something to him, he was defenseless and now I had the power. "Yes please." The officers stepped out of the way and followed behind me as I walked to the car. 

The closer I got the car I could see Jim's face. He was looking down avoiding me. He looked defenseless and weak, I was not used seeing him that way but it gave me some satisfaction. Is that wrong? Shit, at the moment I really didn't care.

What I didn't know is that this was the start of the new me, the dangerous me.