Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

To Meet Or Not To Meet

Tuesday

I have been like a cat on a hot tin roof all day thinking about Steven and Paul, well telling Paul about Steven because I have no clue how he will react to the situation. Paul doesn't like Steven, because he hurt me and maybe because he is a little jealous of what we had together. We don't talk about Steven, never. I remember once when Scarlett asked if her Dad was my first boyfriend and I honestly replied no. He was so angry about that, mainly because Scarlett had gone on to ask who it was, what his name was and if I had any photos of him, I did and I don't think Paul realised I had. I didn't show Scarlett and quickly shut down the conversation but by then Paul was already seriously pissed off by the whole situation. But then, other times he is really understanding and empathetic about things, hence me having no clue which way he will go when faced with a message from Steven and a suggestion that we should meet up.

Having badly timed things in the past I wait until we are alone; the older kids are out with friends and Finn has gone to my parents for tea because nobody cooks a chicken dinner like Grandma and in fairness he is right, nobody does. I begin by saying that Gemma received a friend request from someone we went to school with and so have I. He seems totally unbothered by this until I offer him my phone and show him who it was from and that I have accepted it. Still Paul says nothing but does allow his expression to become frowny and less than thrilled.

It's another 2 hours before Paul comments on Steven and mutters something about him having a cheek and the past belonging in the past. I don't know what to say because my past has never been left in the past, not by me or my conscience. I think Paul is saying that he would rather I ignored Steven and his message but he stops short of saying I can't pursue it...he knows that would be a sure fire way to make me to do the opposite of what he wants.

My compromise is to discuss it with Father Joe, not much of a compromise because even when Steven and I split up my priest suggested talking to my ex-boyfriend, advice I didn't take but I think Paul and I both know his advice is unlikely to have changed in the years that have passed.

Victoria's Diary aged 16

It's been another week since Steven's funny mood change and he still refuses to discuss it with me, but then he doesn't have to when I go round his to find a for sale sign being put up outside his house.

They are moving, the whole family, about 600 miles away. His Mum has a new job and that's it. Steven won't be going to the same college as me and we won't be seeing each other every day...we won't be seeing each other full stop, he is leaving me. He insists that we will still be together, boyfriend and girlfriend but we won't, we can't be when he is so far away. He will meet someone else and they will live the life we planned together and me, well what will happen to me because without him I won't have the life I'd planned, nobody else will make that life with me.

I cry, a lot, when I tell Gemma everything and she is amazing, she hugs me and gives me chocolate and cheap wine that burns when you drink it but I need something to stop everything hurting. Once I stop crying and we are sitting in our pyjamas in Gemma's bedroom where I am staying she talks about the girl from school, the pregnant one...apparently she is going to get rid of the baby, have an abortion. I am shocked because not only is that a sin I can't imagine ever doing that to another living thing, deliberately destroying it, but then as Gemma says she can't really offer a baby the life it deserves and her parents won't support her. See, I know my Mum would flip out like you wouldn't believe, she would be horrified and embarrassed if it was me, but I also know that she wouldn't encourage an abortion because she too believes it to be wrong, more wrong than sex before marriage and illegitimate babies, that's not to say she wouldn't disown me, for a while at least, but I have my Dad who I know will always love and support me, no matter what.

After some more wine and chocolate I know that I need to speak to Steven again, to discuss things properly, to discuss how this might work, us.

Victoria's Diary aged 35 and a Half

Paul returns from collecting Scarlett from Luke's house and is armed with a bottle of wine and a huge bar of chocolate. I smile as I think the people that know me best know that chocolate and wine are the way to go in order to cheer me up or work through a dilemma. As we share the wine, if not the chocolate Paul basically tells me that I should do whatever I need to do in order to make things right in my own mind. He stresses that he is not thrilled to think of me meeting Steven after all these years, but if it's what I need to do then I should do it. He even goes as far as to offer to come with me, which I know he doesn't really want to. He only ever met Steven a couple of times, very much in passing but he holds a grudge against Steven for letting me down, not that I think he did but Paul does. We agree that I should talk to Gemma or Father Joe, maybe both before deciding how to proceed, but before that I decide to reply to Steven's message.

Hi Steven,

Your friend request threw me a little. Gem told me you'd sent her one and she'd accepted it. I think we left it so long because it needed to be left. I have changed considerably, but it was nice of you to say that I haven't. I'm sorry that things ended the way they did too and I know what you mean about the years going on. Yes, I got married, I believe you did too, several times. I think we both have questions but I really am unsure if it's wise to ask or answer them. I don't know about meeting up, can I let you know, I have my husband and children to consider too,

Tori x

I haven't been Tori to anyone else or since Steven and yet it seems so natural to sign off my message to him in that way and yet I feel slightly bad to be slipping back into being his Tori when the truth is I never was, not really, but as I head upstairs to kiss my children goodnight before climbing into bed with my husband I realise that I am and always was Paul's Vic.