Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

He's Who and He's Been In What?

Monday

My morning is going smoothly, swimmingly and as it always does that lulls me into a false sense of security because although I am half way through my hours at work nothing has gone wrong yet I expect the day to continue in that vein. How stupid and naïve am I, even after all these years.

A couple of a similar age to me and Paul come in about an hour before I am due to go home and they are looking for a family break away. We establish that she wants abroad, not too long a flight, ideally all-inclusive with kids clubs and pools. I spend almost half an hour finding holidays in their price range and available dates and then he speaks to ask what else is available. I have already found them 12 different holidays spread across 4 different countries and now he wants more. I find 4 more but honestly they're not as good as the first 12. Of the 12 I have earmarked 3 that would suit me, Paul and our kids, although I have memorised this couples available dates because the idea of being stuck around a pool with them brings me out in hives.

I sit there, staring at them, waiting for something, anything from either of them and it's him that speaks first to ask if I have been to any of the places I have found. I have and explain but still it's not good enough for him. She is now sat there as quiet as a church mouse while he actually asks for a guarantee of my recommendations! I tell him with an edge to my voice that is partly due to what I anticipate being day 2 of my 3 day hangover that they are not recommendations and I would never guarantee anything beyond today's price! Then he asks what is available in the UK. I want to punch him, especially when I see his poor wife's crestfallen expression, but I find him some UK holidays which I have no objection to, we, when I was a kid always stayed in the UK and those holidays were great. He scrutinises the holidays and then informs me that he will contact the UK companies direct to see if he can get the price down. I refrain from calling him a knob head but I do smile, sympathetically at his wife, especially when she asks for the foreign holiday details and he tells me not to bother, telling her that he quite fancies the adventure holiday. I am unsure who looks most horrified, her or me but as I see tears fill her eyes I decide she wins. I also decide that I need to appreciate Paul a little more because he would never, ever overrule me in that way. Maybe I'll go and buy something nice for dinner, treat him, just not with sex I vow to myself, certainly not on a Monday!

The dog, Oscar is going crazy when I get home and I realise I didn't walk him the day before so I owe him. I forgo any jobs in the house and as such that means we'll get an extra-long walk around the park, I even take his ball so he knows it'll be a good one. As soon as we enter the park I see a man in his 20's with a dog who looks similar to Oscar and despite my dog's eagerness to become acquainted I lead him in the opposite direction where we play ball for about 20 minutes before he refuses to give the ball back. We do a couple of laps of the duck pond now because with a bright orange ball in his mouth Oscar is incapable of chasing the ducks which he's rather partial to doing. I pass the man with the dog and we exchange a smile, a dog owner to dog owner smile and then we head home where Oscar has fresh water and a treat to encourage him to give up his ball.

I am early leaving the house to fetch Finn so I take his scooter with me, as a treat and then remember that I didn't stop to pick anything up for Paul's dinner, anything special meaning I might have to pop into the newsagents for a bar of chocolate because...still no grateful sex on a work night.

Gemma is already there when I get to the playground and I am just about to tell her about Mr Knob Head when a man appears and stands near us. He is very attractive in his chino shorts, deck shoes and a very tight t-shirt that clings to his enviable muscles. I can't fight the grin on my face as he looks at us and smiles and extends a hello that makes me blush in a very juvenile way. As more mums appear there are mutterings and whispers I am struggling to follow until Gemma explains. Apparently this man, who we assume is a Dad is actually a celebrity. He is an actor and has been in a few dramas on the TV, the last one involved a nude scene that involved his naked bottom. I don't watch much TV, don't really have time for it, but I might need to check this man and his bottom out on catch up. He knows everyone is looking and talking about him and I feel a bit sorry for him so I try to make conversation which I am hopeless at even on a good day. After telling him how much I like his Batman bike he compliments my Avenger's scooter. He laughs and I giggle again and blush when I see the other mums looking at me, especially Gemma who looks amused, but also as though she has never seen me before.

Mrs Forbes appears and for once I am relieved until she plays her bitch card and makes me wait almost until the end, but she also makes the handsome actor man wait, although she does release his child first and as he comes into sight I hope the shit I curse is only in my head. This man is Ned's dad meaning he is also Monique's husband, bitch, my fear of her is merging into full on hatred. He waves me goodbye as well co-ordinated Ned clambers onto his bike and adeptly rides off. Finn's thrilled to see his scooter but as he jumps on it I think that he may have actually broken his ankle judging by the jaunty angle his foot is pointing in and then I realise it is just his natural awkwardness.

Once dinner is out of the way and Finn is bathed and put to bed I find that drama that Gemma told me about and I can't deny that Mr Monique has a bum to bloody die for so I text her to tell her as much before I remember that the shock of our celebrity dad made me forget to stop by the shop to get Paul some chocolate so his reward for not being a knob head is to watch the football on the TV without me moaning. I simply give him the remote control and the holiday deals I found earlier and then grab my diary, my younger self's diary and strangely enough chance upon an entry from the time Gemma and I went to a Take That concert.

Victoria's Diary aged 13 and a half

Tonight is going to be the best night ever! Me and Gemma are going to see Take That and we have already planned to wait at the stage door. Gemma loves Robbie and I prefer Jason so we never ever argue about them. We have a plan for marrying them, although I kind of feel bad now because of Steven because he is really in my life whereas Jason isn't but I have loved Jason longer so I am not sure what I will do when I have to choose between them. I am going to Gemma's to get ready and then her Dad is taking us and picking us up, he's lovely like that. My Dad would have taken us but then he'd know how short my skirt is and he might be ok, but if my Mum finds out she will go off on one about being the wrong kind of girl and God and sin and honestly I don't need that, not tonight. I have to go and it will be late when I get back so I might have to write my diary tomorrow.

Victoria's Diary aged 35 and a half

I am actually laughing out loud at memories of my genuine confusion regarding the choice of who to marry, Steven or Jason Orange, because like they were really choices I had to make. I am still smiling, no grinning when I realise Paul is watching me and I can see he wants to say something, maybe ask something about my diary or my amusement, but fortunately there's a penalty awarded and his focus is back on the TV screen leaving me feeling relieved because I am unsure whether I want to share the contents of my diary with him, my current one or my old ones so I kiss him gently and turn in for the night, taking my diaries with me, just in case.