Diary of a Desperate Wife and Mother - aged 35...and a half

And They All Lived...

Victoria's Diary Aged 36

Today is my birthday and it has been an amazing day. Since I finally confessed what had happened to my parents I haven't really bothered keeping a diary. I told Paul when I returned home about Steven and his lack of contact with his children, but also about his broken marriages and how I saw for the first time that getting pregnant, whilst a mistake wasn't as big a mistake as having a baby with Steven would have been. But there was more, I was finally able to fully see and convincingly convey to my husband that what we had was everything I had ever needed and all I ever wanted now.

Tonight I went out with a few friends, a couple of people from work, Gemma and Monique. She is divorcing her husband and trying to make a future with Ned and she is actually really nice now that she doesn't need to be perfect and better than the rest of us. Her husband has shacked up with the exotic dancer but Monique reckons that's only because he doesn't want people to think he's the sort of man who would throw away his marriage for a quick bunk up with a lap dancer.

My parents seem to be over the shock of my first pregnancy and miscarriage, although they still exchange the occasional glance or look that suggests it still plays on their mind from time to time. Their love and respect for Paul has increased to ridiculous levels now that they understand just how much care he extended to me. In fairness to them I can't blame them because my own love and respect for him are off the scale when I consider just how kind and caring he was back then, the way he checked on me at home and when I was in the yard working for my Dad and then, several months afterwards he asked me out. I can't deny that I was less than enthusiastic to be attempting to date anyone that wasn't Steven and still my future husband gave me time, patience and understanding, although they were all compromised when I discovered I was pregnant with Scarlett.

I think that this might be my final diary entry...I don't need to write everything down and I no longer have my teenage diaries, I don't need them because I know and accept everything from back then for what they were and more importantly I can see the importance of what I have now and living in the moment, enjoying every moment.

I have just been and checked on all of my kids before getting ready for bed. Martin and Scarlett have enjoyed their trips abroad with school and Finn is currently planning Christmas and by Christmas I mean he is doing his Christmas list and it's only just October! Paul is laughing as he comes into the bedroom because the final item on our son's Christmas list is a goat or a cow for a poor village...I really need Father Joe to stop telling my son about the plight of third world villages or I'll need to hide my credit card to stop him buying cattle online, although I have agreed to adopt a snow leopard and provide an education for a child from one of the third world villages. That was my bribe a few months ago when Paul and I decided to go away for a week, just the two of us, a second honeymoon, well a first one really as we didn't get much of one the first time.

Paul is telling me that when he walked Gemma home she almost walking into a lamppost and because I have seen her do that on more than one occasion I can imagine it and it makes me laugh. She was very, very merry tonight, her and Monique. The girls from work were just merry. Gemma is always a laugh on a night out, but Monique is a revelation in drink and very flexible judging by her moves standing on the table. Me, I was very well behaved, not necessarily through choice as my second honeymoon resulted in a honeymoon baby, a real one, not just a respectable explanation for your newly married daughter announcing her pregnancy which is why my mother described Scarlett that way.

This baby will be my final child, Paul and I have a pretty awful track record on contraception malfunctions resulting in the birth of children and as I am unable to take the pill Paul has decided to have a vasectomy once this baby is born.

As Paul returns from the bathroom I smile, not only because he is very attractive and has a naughty glint in his eye but because he is mine. He is my husband, my lover, my best friend and everything I could ever wish for...I LOVE HIM.