Dear Friend

7.30.2017

Dear Friend,

Four years from my last post huh. It's been a while. I went back and read everything I wrote down in the past 'blogs' and I have to say, I've never been more embarrassed. But then again I was only a kid. I still am a kid (ish).

I turned 20 this year and it was an experience. 20 was definitely the highlight of my life. My birthday was a blast because being in college, I made some friends that I know I would have for life. I'm still as obsessed with HIMYM as I was back in the day. If you guys watch it, Lily has this thing where if she meets someone new, she has the 'porch test'. If she sees you on the porch with her in x many years, you're going to be in her life for a long time basically. My friends I've made in college have definitely passed the porch test. My roommates this past year have been the most amazing couple of people I have ever met.

So here are some of my few life updates since 2013.

My second cousin died of bone cancer, my best friend passed away, my dads mom passed away due to cervical cancer, I got and dumped my first boyfriend this past year, oh and I can drive now.

Time for explanations:

My cousin, she was a year older than me. So when I was 17 and she was 18, she passed away. She had been complaining about how her leg kept hurting and when they took her to the doctor, doc said it was calcium deficiency. It was really late when they found out that it was actually bone cancer. I didn't get to see her in last moments and I'm kind of glad because the memory I have of her now is of her with a huge smile on her face, dancing like she loved to.

In 2015, after I graduated highschool and my first quarter of college, my best friend, someone I've actually written about a couple of times in my past posts, someone whom I loved passed away. He was definitely my first love and it shattered me to find out what happened. I was finishing up finals for the my first quarter at uni and I get a phone call from his brother telling me that my friend is in a coma. What had happened was he went out partying and did some drug and since it was in his system for a while, when he took creatine for body building, it reacted and he had multiple seizures. They had to resuscitate him twice, once in the ambulance and once at the hospital. I had gone to see him right before I took my last final and after it was over I stayed with him. Things were looking up. He was doing good, he was breathing on his own and they thought he would make it. December 12, 2015 my best friend died because of organ failure. It is the most unreal feeling when you find out someone who was so tangible is all of a sudden no more. Seeing him on that bed, it wasn't him. It was a memory of who he was. I've never cried so much before. My heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. Its been two years and its still not easy. I want to go back and read our old messages, hear the conversation we used to have but I know if I do, I'm going to fall back into that void of nothingness and I dont want to risk it.

Not a year later, in March of 2016, my dads mother, my grandmother passed away of cervical cancer. Just like my cousin, she was complaining about pains but no one took her to the doctor and by the time they did, it was stage four cancer, spread throughout the body. They told my dad and his siblings to make her as comfortable as possible. What I hate the most was that NO ONE told her what was going on with her. She was ready to feel better after a while and come home with us. We all thought my grandfather was the one who was going to pass first seeing as he is bedridden and cant take care of himself. My grandmother was the one who would do everything around the house. I remember facetiming her while she was in the hospital. My dad had flown into india and before he landed I had called my uncle so I could talk to her. Me and my grandma didn't particularly see eye to eye but I knew she loved me and I loved her just as much back. Whenever I used to visit I would just try to make her laugh because whenever she did, she had this laugh where her whole body especially her tummy would shake. It was the cutest thing. I remember facetiming her and telling her "pallu vechitilyallo. a nonnakuzhi kanam!" ("I see you arent wearing your teeth. I can see your dimples!") and which that she smiled and laughed. But when she did, they took the phone away from her so fast because they said when she laughed it hurt her. That devastated me. After she passed away, I went to her funeral and so many people had came. My aunt was talking to this lady and as I passed by, she told her, "She laughed last when she talked to her" and as she said this, she pointed at me. I hadn't known this and just finding that out was the greatest but also most melancholy feeling ever. I made my grandma happy for the last time. She had passed away shortly after that.

The last thing that had happened to me pretty recently was that I was in my first relationship with this guy that I had known for at least five years and I knew had a crush on me for that whole time and I finally decided to give him a chance. Needless to say as stated above, I dumped him shortly after that and it wasn't because I didn't like him. Oh I definitely liked him but not any more. Heh, who would like a cheating asswipe. I'm not someone to be walked over and when I found out all at once that I was cheated on, not once, not twice but three times I had it. Like I said earlier, without my roommates I'm not sure what I would have done. One of them asked me, are you going to stay with him or are you going to leave him. You need to pick one of those and stick with it. You can't go back on your word. I chose to leave him. I asked him about the first time and the second time and he admitted to it. Then I gave him a chance to speak up about any other time and he lied straight to my face and told me that he didn't do anything after that and finally I brought up the last time and he realized that I caught him. I dumped him on the spot. I thought I could be friends with him after that but after a few days I realized that, that was definitely not going to happen because he hurt me and I shouldn't have to accept that. Shortly after that, he got with the girl he cheated on me with. yes I am angry that he and she are happy but at the same time, I know I am better off without him and being single isnt so bad because 1) I can save money, 2) I dont have to worry about anyone 3) I can flirt again.

So dear friend, I know I've written a lot and it's been quite a while, but I hope to continue writing. Maybe not everyday, maybe not a lot about me, maybe some lessons I've learned over the couple of years that have went by. Lets consider this a fresh start and go from here.

I love you all

and as always

-Me