Fluffy's FIFTH Book of Randomness and Boredom [MEMES, SCREAMS, AND A CRAZY TEEN]

I'm Back.

You would think that after all of the time, I would have a more dramatic return. Something special, something that wasn't me crying over my phone on a wooden bench on a hot Sunday afternoon. But... I guess that's life. I guess it surprises you, especially when you least expect it.

But here I am.

I'm back.

No, no... I'm home.

I have so many things to say but have no idea where to start. So, I'm just going to type. I'm not thinking about it. I'm just typing.

Here I go.

These 9 months have been hell. Hell, hell, hell. I've cried, I've felt awful, I've been the worst I've ever been. Being away from Wattpad was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.

Never in a million years did I think that July 30, 2017, would be the day.

But here I am.

And you know what? I'm better.

I'm not better, no. I'm at my best.

I've been feeling so good lately. So much better. I mean, I've had my ups and downs, but haven't we all?

Okay. I'm just going to... let it all out.

Late October. My life changed. For the absolute worst. Forgive me, I don't want to go into detail. But something happened to me-- I lost someone-- and it changed me.

From there, I let myself go.

I absolutely let myself go.

Every day, I cried and had emotional breakdowns. The things that once gave me joy started to rip me apart. I wasn't myself. I was falling down this hole, and it was the worst thing I had ever experienced in my whole damn life.

November 1st. I felt so awful, I just didn't go on Wattpad. I couldn't. I absolutely couldn't. So I didn't.

And I didn't go on the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that, or that, or that, or that.

I was gone.

I had left Wattpad.

On December 4th, I wasn't feeling better at all. I was feeling the worst I had been. So, I actually went onto Wattpad and lost myself on there.

At that time, I legitimately wanted to kill myself.

I'm never forgetting that feeling.

Ever.

Even I want to, it probably will never leave my mind. I've got the scars to prove it.

That day was the last day I came onto Wattpad. Ever, I decided.

I moved onto 2017. I still felt like shit. Deep down, I still wanted to end it all. But I didn't. I held on... for reasons I didn't know.

I knew people would be looking for me, but I didn't think about it too much. I decided to go on with my life, think about Wattpad and my online life as little as possible.

If I did think about it, I knew it wouldn't end well.

It's a crazy thought for me to have right now. If I had made a different decision, I would be in a grave right now.

Um... right. I'm trying not to think too much as I type, and I'm starting to think too much.

Okay.

Um...

I'll forever be grateful for the person who reached out to me. They helped me so much when I was in this state. They reminded me of what I had online, and that it would be wrong of me to end it.