Living with 5SOS

29

Robins pov

The tour is over finally, thank god. No matter where I went, people glared at me. They recognize me. Some fans even came up to me at a concert amd started cussing me out, until security took them away.

It's been almost six months since I've been in head space, fully. Sure, I've slipped in a little for a few minutes, but even that hasn't happened in a while. When it does, all I do is cry and whine.

The boys can barely put up with me. I'm sorry. I am. I know I'm a brat but I just-

They deserve so much better than me. They deserve someone the fans will love, someone pretty and talented, someone less... Immature. Someone less damaged.

Luke deserves someone better. Someone else. Anyone but me. It breaks my heart to even think of him with anyone but me but it's true. His life would be easier, he'd get less hate and more good publicity, he wouldn't have to deal with his bratty girlfriend who does nothing but argue and cry and hurt herself. He shouldn't have to parent me. He shouldn't have to feel like crap whenever he sees a scar on me. He should be able to be happy.

I can't make him happy. I never could. Maybe a bit, at first. I know he loves me, but I'm so bad for him. And this life is bad for me.

I want to leave. I don't know where I would go, but I want to leave.

I don't want to leave, that was a lie. I just don't want my life to be like this, I don't want to hurt the boys like this.

I need to leave. The boys can be happy, the fans can be happy, everything will be better. Who cares of I'm not happy? I'll survive. And besides, no one will notice, even if I don't. Not after I've been gone for a while.

I can't tell Luke I want to leave, it would break his heart. He wouldn't let me, anyway. But still, he'd be hurt. It would be so much easier of he just didn't care. If they didn't care.

I have said it though. I've offered to just leave. Make their life easier. But it was when I was throwing a tantrum and having a panic attack. They didn't believe me. They just cradled me and sang to me and told me they loved me until I fell asleep.

I have to leave. But I can't. I love them. I love how they treat me, and I have no where to go. Back to my parents? They'd never let me in. I couldn't get a job and pay rent for an apartment. Who would hire me? I didn't finish high school. Who would rent to me? I can't get a job.

So I'm here. Making their lives miserable.

And it sucks. And I feel horrible.

Luke tries to talk to me, but I just can't. Not when I know I'm gonna break his heart.

It's the same with the other boys.

I've even started sleeping in my own bed. I can't sleep with Luke, I want him to stop loving me. He won't stop loving me if I cuddle with him all night.

Not that I get much sleep without him. I cry and I have nightmares and lie awake feeling guilty and miserable.

In fact, that's what I'm doing now. I threw a fit at dinner because I refused to eat, and Luke kept trying to make me. But you've heard what the fans called me. A fat whore. I know I shouldn't listen to them, but I can't help it.