Things I Should Say- A Book of Poems

anxiety and texting

I wish I could have a conversation over text that didn't make me nervous.
Why do they have a feature where you can tell they read it?
Because when they do but don't text you back,
Your stomach does this strange churning thing and you feel like you are being ignored.
They could be busy.
But my mind says
NO, they are definitely just ignoring you,
You are annoying them.
Forget that they called you cute and said they liked talking to you.
They didn't mean that.
They were just trying to be nice.
They pity you and your social awkwardness.

But on apps where they don't have a read feauture,
I get more anxious.
The unknown.
Have they seen it?
No they are just busy.
It's been too long just to be busy.
Don't fucking double text.
You look desperate.
But I am desperate.
I just want anyone to be there because I am so terribly scared of being alone..
Even if it is just a message on a screen it means someone is out there talking to me.
And if they don't send one back that means I am truly alone.
I don't want to be alone.

Anxiety and texting are not friends but not enemies.
It makes it easier to text because you aren't worried about them staring at you while
You are stuttering like backspacing your words in person.
They don't notice the shakiness of my voice when I am just typing words.

But in person I know if they are listening.
I know if I am being ignored .
There are facial cues.
Pauses.
Glances.
Anything other than the uncertainty of not knowing if I am being heard or not.