Things I Should Say- A Book of Poems

cracks(2015)

I am having trouble talking,
Which is a problem I don't have often.
The words are there,
But they hang in my throat.
I can't breathe.
I can't speak.
I can't think!
So I just stay silent and
Force the words back.
Keep them in a cage,
Tightly locked in their place.
But I am quickly running out of space in my mind.
There's hardly any room for me.
I am crowded out by my insecurites.

You know how when a glass has been dropped,
Shattered,
And then glued back together?
You can always see the glue.
The scar where the cracks were.
I have been dropped so many times I can't count.
I feel stupid for feeling safe.
But I do.
With you.
I've played every position on the team.
I've played the girl who is only there as a joke,
The girl who got their heart broke.
The girl they secretly liked but their friends would've laughed so they were ashamed to tell.
I know these parts.
I've played them well.
I've played second to the other girl,
And the girl just being used.
I have been all things for everyone,
I have just never been told the truth.
All of their words were lies.
All of their promises meant nothing.
All of their friends laughed at me.
Like I was some sort of freak or something.

It's hard for me to trust because
I have been hurt,
Mistreated,
Cheated,
Broken.
I've been hidden,
Ridiculed,
Almost all of me was stolen.
I hold on to what I've built back.
I value my heart though it's scarred and cracked.

They all said not to trust you.
They said that about all the others too.
But I have taken that leap already.
My heart already belongs to you.
Please take care of it.
Please be who you say you are.
Please overlook my flaws.
The insecurities that come with my scars.
I am sure you didn't plan to fall in love with me.
I know I tried to run away
But love caught up with me.
Just understand that I am afraid of getting hurt again.
I have been there so many times
I cannot go back again.
My love is yours and you have all of me.
I trust you'll keep me safe.
Please keep your promises that you made,
To love me Always.

(To my readers, I got hurt again. Several times. Don't trust anyone. They will just leave you.)