STARLESS EYES

But Instead You Wanted Answers

[You // 12 AM]
Do you ever wonder why you fold your arms against your chest and curl into a ball whenever I so much as mention the idea of kissing you?

{Me // 12:04 AM}; UNSENT}
Maybe it's because the idea of your mouth on mine has been a haunting image in my mind for weeks and when I think of you being so close to me I feel my heart begin to rock inside my ribcage and I feel as if I am on a rollercoaster with no safety on

[You // 12:14 AM]
I don't think you understand how much it hurts me to see you pull away. There are moments when I can see you so clearly in the light of the TV, I can see you glancing at me and i can feel the thrumming of my heart and i reach for you as if there is no air in this room and you are the last piece oxygen ever. And then just like that - in the middle of this - your eyes cloud over and I can't REACH you. And I want to. I really do.

{Me // 12:18 AM}; UNSENT}
But I DO understand that it hurts you. I know it so well that I have memorized "I'm sorry" to the point where it echoes in the back of my throat at night and becomes a song I cannot stop hearing. I know those moments too. They aren't particularly stunning or romantic - you are sitting there looking at me and suddenly I look at you and suddenly there is this warmth spreading through me and all I want is you to kiss me. All I want is for you to hold me. But I can't let you I can't I can't I won't. You are not the moon and your sunlight is blinding me I can't be scorched by the sun just yet

[You // 12:45 AM]
You know, when I think of you as a painting I can't help but imagine you as Van Gogh's Starry Night Over the Rhône. You see your heart is this landscape of water that is blurry and soft and it appears as this texture of soft butter but the minute someone touches it you realize it is harsh and there are ridges that dip and fold and leave small cuts on the tips of your fingers. And then the lights are shimmering in your depth and I still haven't decided if they are your eyes or the sun or happiness but I know that there are moments when you become this juvenile that skips around and giggles and teases with candy covered lips and horrendously done winks. And there we are the couple walking away from this channel of water - you and I disappearing as you lead me away from your heart. And I'm struggling to tug you back. Because I do not want just the warmth of your body I want the warmth of your heart. I want you with the flaws that drive me crazy. I want you to be the storyteller and explain to me why when I hold you, you turn to water and float away like the river.

{Me // 1:20 AM}
You cannot hold snow- I am solid until melted and then I evaporate.

{Me // 1:25 AM}; UNSENT}
I hold myself in my arms because when I feel like I'm about to fall into a puddle my arms act as freezing rays and make me solid ice once more. When I feel that my heart is ready to gallop onto the TV and announce that there is this itch in my fingers to touch your hair and trace the fissures of your face and learn the planes of your smile - i curl so that I do not reach for you. I hold myself away. I pull away. I do this because I'm not worth the fight. There are bodies waiting for new hearts because of me. Let me evaporate, or I will liquidize.