STARLESS EYES

Van Gogh's Sunflowers

I won't pretend there weren't days where we couldn't look at each other without wanting to scream or nights when we didn't want to cry
I won't pretend you were always warm and I was always ice

But I will pretend sometimes that you didn't see it coming
That you might have thought my distance was because of our nights together when sheets met skin and sighs met stars and we were a tangled knot of rope with no ending in sight
Maybe you thought I was scared of what happens when your hands touch me and suddenly I forgot how to breathe and am gasping so much oxygen that my body wonders if the true toxin isn't air

The truth is I like to pretend I didn't watch the realization creep upon your face like snow inching its way passed an open doorframe
I imagine you within a sunflower with its petals wrapped around you and keeping you soft and warm and kissed by the sunlight
Dipped in ochre yellow and canary yellow while laying on brown budding seeds
I like to dream that I kept you warm with my cold fingers

The truth is I still daydream that we are on clouds with their ethereal lightweight wisps of cold air brushing against us as we count the birthmarks on our skin
As we glide our fingers across intangible matter and dive into pools of misted water where everything felt right

The truth is that between the nights we spent together you could see me beginning to erase myself from your life
Like that sunflower I was beginning to shadow the sun and you were forced to stay potted and wilt
You watched as my silhouette left no dent on the mattress as I began to retrace my footprints
As my hair stopped lingering on your pillow
As my hands became stone and my palms were glued to doorknobs

The truth is that I pretend I didn't leave with my fingerprints embedded into your heart
I pretend I didn't erase myself from you
I like to think that we are still in the clouds and they barely stir that innocence that the sunflowers hold of you
I dream I am the sunflower that keeps you - always