STARLESS EYES

I'm a Monster

You should hate me, I want you to hate me,
You see when I say I cannot love right I mean that I cannot stay away from you
It means that after three months I decided to go to our old favorite coffee shop
You know the one, the one with the lanterns hanging crookedly and the sightly molded and curled wallpaper
(You said it gave it character, I said it was how I felt around you - everything was never as brilliant as you)
And I decided to take him with me

That's right, after listening to your voicemails and reading your texts and crying over our old messages
I brought someone new
And I brought him to our place
The place where you kissed my cheek and left roses blooming in my stomach and I attempted to cut the thorns from protruding out of my palms
The place where I learned you take your tea with creamery and honey, where you crinkle your nose when you smell cinnamon,
The place where I learned that whispering your name was more intimate than all of the nights we spent between sheets whispering candy flavored compliments

I took him there on a Wednesday (I knew you'd be there, you always liked going in the middle of the week)
I picked a table in the center of the room where you could see us
And you did
Oh you did you beautiful boy

From the corner of my eye I watched you turn when you heard my laugh (it crackled louder than thunder and it threw lightning bolts into your heart)
I saw as you turned and your eyes grew wide
I watched as that smile fit itself in between the dimples of your cheeks
I watched as you stood - you wanted to reach for me
I wanted you to reach for me too

And then he came and kissed me
And the world was blue and black and red and burgundy
It was muddy and clear and so painfully clear it was blurry
My heart was in my mouth and I couldn't breathe because I wanted to hurt you
I wanted you to curl against yourself and wither away into a dead leaf
I wanted to blow you away like the west zephyr would and pretend it meant nothing to see you turn to brittle wisps of love lost fragments
But I couldn't

Because even though I smiled and kissed him back
I could hear the crack and crash
It was your heart
It was mine
You should hate me
I broke us