Saved by Demi Lovato

My thoughts Again

Eliana's POV

Order and Chaos are thought to be polar opposites but really they're the same. In my mind is chaos but everything around me seems to be in order. People see order when they look at me but they don't understand how truly messed up I am.

My head is chaos, the voices are spontaneous and erratic but there is an order of which they can come and there is only a small variety of ways in which I can quiet them, although temporarily, cutting, purging, scratching or restricting. That helps. Only then will they be quiet. Thats the order.

The chaos comes then the order is needed to control it. Without the order there would be no control, we would be in a constant state of distress and possibly even danger.

If there was only order then the world wouldn't run, people would slowly become insane as they would have the same thoughts throughout their lives, and everyone would practically be the same person, the saying opposites attract wouldn't exist as there wouldn't be opposites and people cannot constantly live with someone with almost the same thoughts and personality as them so everything would be too similar in a way and the world wouldn't run properly. Boardgames would always be the same, they would be boring and it would lose the point, random but surprisingly true. I think of it as a large never-ending loop, if one is there the other must follow as to give the human race an illusion of sanity.

Though no one is really sane or normal as no one knows what is happening inside of someone else's head. Everyone has such a different view of what normal is that it simply can't properly exist.

Take me for example, someone could look at me and they probably wouldn't think that I starve myself, they would only see the fat, or they wouldn't think that I slice my skin to assure myself that I am still human and the red blood is proof, it shows that I'm not a monster, I feel pain so I know that I am alive. They wouldn't understand either, they wouldn't understand the pain I suffer through or the thoughts that control my every move. They don't see the world through my eyes, they don't know what I feel.

Saying that I do love the world, I love how natural it is and how theres a definitive difference between what flows and all the sharp edges. I love nature, the trees, rocks, the sound of the wind and even the flicker of the flames, the water is my favourite element though, I love how it looks and sounds, it's so calming and soothing but it is also highly dangerous.
People drown and suffocate in water but it's a key part of survival. Unfortunately, the thoughts of drowning myself or suffocating in water comes naturally, and way too often in my opinion. It would be ironic my death ultimately caused by something I value. I could quite easily choose nature over the busy towns and cities any day, and although it sounds sad, I would choose animals over people.
People have caused me so much damage but animals have never done anything to harm me. The only thing I would miss in the nature is Demi Lovato and the internet (not that I had much access to it at home anyway) but it was a way to keep updated with the world and as often as possible I would use it to stream Demi (only because my phone was rubbish and it didn't really have any storage so I couldn't download anything). The downside of the internet was that it re-enforced my knowledge that many people were terrible to others.

I don't really understand war or why it happens, it hurts so many innocent people, and nobody likes to have their own people killed so why do they feel the need to kill someone else. Even people who have done wrong don't deserve to die, if they have done something in order to hurt someone else, they have probably been hurt in the past. And somewhere in their mind they think that they have a good justification for their actions and they think the person deserves it for some reason.

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A/N

So this is just a rambling  and ranting chapter and it may not be entirely relevant  but it  just happened in my brain and I needed to get it down so yeah

Thanks for reading

Stay strong x

-Aria x