Daydreaming About You (Jalex)

Chapter 4 - Nightmares

"I don't wanna wake up
just to find out
I've been deceived"

2.4.09

The smallest things made the biggest differences. When I tune my guitar, even if there's one octave lower than it should, it would make the whole song sound wrong.
Sometimes It can be something you didn't notice till now, Iike a small dot of dirt on a big white wall. But once you see it you can't possibly ignore it, it's the first thing you see everytime you pass by that wall.
And I'm trying so hard to focus on the big clear parts but I keep seeing it in the corner of my eye and even if I don't, my brain remind me that it's still there.
At that year I remember there was certain stuff I noticed for the first time and since then, they never left my head.

Like that thing Alex did with his legs while he sang, he would devote himself into the music, close his eyes and sing with all his might. Then he'd also sprang his lags in this funny but somehow nice to watch way.
I'm actually feeling like a creep for writing it down after just thinking that for so long, but fuck it, It needs to be said.

I couldn't not notice when he stood completely still. We just finished a song but something at the atmosphere felt weird and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was too quiet, like my brain puted the crowd's screams on hold. Then Alex looked at me, all of a sudden he was standing right next to me and I wondered whens that happened. His face were flushed and his breathing shallow after singing, but he soon explained himself, "they're asking for it again."
It took me a second to realize what he was talking about, and then he kissed me. It was different too, not because it happened, no we did it quiet often, it was different because he didn't stop after a few seconds. He was moving against me and putting his hands on both sides of my head, what never happened before. I didn't resist, I actually wanted him to keep going because it felt nice.. It felt like - "Ouch!"  I yelp, feeling a sharp pain at my lower lip. Did he just bit me?

"what the fuck are you doing?"  I suddenly heard him say.

"what?" I mumbled confused, I raised my hand to my mouth, my fingers getting wet by a red liquid.

"I said, what the fuck you think you're doing?" Alex was furious, he glared at me, his eyes showing disgust and something I couldn't interpret in any other way than hate.

"I- I.. -" I couldn't speak. I couldn't move my mouth. I was sweating, the room was too hot and Alex's expression slapped me across the face every second I kept staring at him, hopeless. What is going on? He did it. I didn't do anything wrong. Why is it so fucking hot in here? It's so suffocating that I can't breath. I felt like a fish that has been pulled from the water, twitching and desperate. Looking around, I saw all the kids just standing there, silently staring at us. I can't breath! I was yelling from inside.  Can't they see? Why don't they help me?! I can't - I can't fucking breath!

I woke up opening my eyes with a big gulp of air, seeing nothing but black, my heart beating like crazy, it felt like it was about to explode. I took slow and deep breaths, while I tried to adjust to the darkness.
As I menaged to relax a bit I could feel the movement of the bus on the road below me and now saw signs of the curtains of my bank to my left. My hand searched for the switch of my small lamp and I sigh in relief when I found it and light filled the tiny space. 
It was indeed way too hot in here. I hurried to yank the blanket away and get out of my heaten bed.

---

The sun was about to come up. I could tell from the blue in the distance, even though It was still dark. We moved fast, high road probably, the street lamps ahead in the city we were heading to, seemed to melt into a shiny orange line, reflecting in my half empty beer bottle.
I set it back on the table and hugged my knees to my chest as I kept staring out of the window, I hate nightmares. Everybody does of course, but once I had one I can't go back to sleep no matter how tired I still am and it sucks.
Just the thoughts of it gives shudders.
Why would I even dream about that? Alex is my best friend. He doesn't hate me. He wouldn't. He started this whole thing anyways and we're both cool with it, or maybe it's just me? Perhaps we should stop doing it. I sigh, knowing deep inside I won't really do anything about it.