Daydreaming About You (Jalex)

chapter 7 - Dead End

"I can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing"

I wish I didn't care about what people say. And I'm not talking about hate from online bored people. Okay maybe a little, I mean more stuff like someone's comment about the way my hair looks or how my nose Is too big to some girl's opinion used to really bother me and I won't lie they still are sometimes.
The worst time of my life was at the last year of high school, when the way you look is the most important thing in the world in every teen's mind. We were all weird in High school but I never mind that. I had friends and that's all that mattered to me. But my insecurity was always in the way, knocking on my brain like an uninvited guest and forcing itself on me. I barley ate at the time, it took three comments on my weight (yes I counted), even if they were considered jokes, and I already hated my body. I got extremely skinny and my mom started to worry, blaming herself and thinking that perhaps she spent too much time at work and wasn't home enough to cook and take care of me. It was awful. Needless to say that I've grown up and eating healthy now. well, at last my definition of healthy.

Right now the talking about my features are almost nothing in compared to what's bothering me. Now when I hear people talking about those preticular things, they sneak a glance at me, eyes full of sympathy and pity and I fucking hate it because sometimes it's worse than the actual subject. Maybe they don't think I notice but it doesn't matter since they don't even have to look at me to make the whole atmosphere in the room into an awkward and guilty one.

It has been going for six months now but that's enough time to drive me crazy.

Rian was the first one to find out, I told him a year after Alex's announcement of his reuniting with Lisa.
It was a tough year, I got to know myself better but I thought knowing was bad, it didn't do any good for me, so I took a break. The minute we got back home I stayed away from everyone, not answering calls and messages, just trying to work things out in my head and drink when I reached a dead end. I needed this time alone but it's soon took a toll on me.

One night, after too many dead ends I called my sister, and she came in such short notice that I didn't really had the time to decide what I was going to tell her. I remember I just talked, tried to explain how I felt for hours and at some point I started to cry so she just held me and told me it was okay and that I was okay but I couldn't believe her. I want to believe people when they're telling me that everything will be alright but I find It hard to do when I have to face my reality every single day.

The guys noticed that I was distant but since we had time off everyone were doing their own thing for a while, until we had to get back to work - create new music. Then I started to do what I can to act normal; show on time (or at least to try my best), to talk, hide my disgust when the brunette girl came to visit and to smile. It wasn't until we went to another tour that they started to ask questions, I couldn't blame them though, I was an extremely active person my whole life and this change even surprised me.

I think Rian knew something was going on way before, he kept catching me staring, noticing how my mood would change whenever Alex talked about his girlfriend. He knew something was up but we had this silent agreement that said we're not talking about it. It didn't stop him from changing the subject multiple times when he saw me getting uncomfortable though, which I was grateful for.

It was around midnight, Alex and Zack were either sleeping or just sitting with their phones in their banks.
Rian and I stood outside the buss, drank beer and talked about meaningless stuff. After agreeing that eight is a yellow number, one is blue and settled on five being orange, we fell into comfortable silence as we both stared at the horizon, each with his own thoughts.

"I'm worried about you" He then confess, not looking at me.

The moon was full and it lighten up the night, helping me see his concerned features.

I sign, I guess I saw it coming.

"I know."

"I'm always here, if you want to talk" he said quietly, and I could see in the corner of my eye that he turned to look at me.

Even after preparing myself to this, I felt my throat closing and the familiar burn behind my eyes as I kept staring straight ahead, not moving an inch.
This silence was the longest till now, it was so quiet, there wasn't even a single gust of wind and I swear I could hear my own heartbeat, it felt as if anyone within a kilometer from me could hear it too.

"I think I love him." I cracked out.

Warm tears fell on my face and blurred my eyesight so I didn't even saw when Rian walked over to hug me until I was pressed hard against his chest.