"Oh my God,
I'm such a terrible mess"
28.4.09
Bright light illuminated my face in the complete darkness. I was lying in my bank, staring at my phone screen for the past half hour thinking what to do. The first step was opening Google of course but then I got stuck. I tried to formulate a question for the billion time and then gave up, instead I just kept staring at the colorful logo in silence.
Everyone were asleep around me, I got use to stay up late this past month or so, the last two days in preticular. They were.. Difficult.
I got back to the bus after the night we went clubbing around three or four am and was completely wasted. I don't remember much of it or even how I got here, but the morning after was a disaster; it started with the worst hangover I had in years, then moved to yellings from pretty much everyone cause apparently they were looking for me and were 'worried sick'- what I really didn't thought would happen, and it ended with me remembering what led me to do that mess in the first place and that made my hangover worse even more than all the loud angry noise around me.
After that I was really down, I menaged to piss everyone off, having an extreme headache and not being able to look at my best friend in the eyes. Something was really wrong with me. For 48 hours I dozen out trying to figure out why everything was suddenly so fucked up, I didn't ate much nor communicate so the guys must have thought I felt guilty and stopped with the lectures and the grumpy faces, what was a relive for a while.
Even with all the thinking I did, the night before I achieved nothing so now I decided that maybe I could try a better source than my brain, which is the Internet of course.
But what do I say? I suck in a deep breath and wrote the first thing that came to mind -
Having feelings for my best friend
The results weren't what I expected since obviously they were all on girls and boys. I groaned, why is this so difficult? It was so much easier if it could have just give me what I need. I sigh, rubbing my eyes in frustration. Okay just do it. One question cannot do any harm, no one will know anyway, I said this to myself but my heart sped up just from me pushing the buttons on the keyboard.
How to know if I'm gay
and hit search.
I scrolled down with a shaky finger, reading briefly the information under each title.
How to Know if You Are Gay wikiHow
www.wikihow.com › ... › LGBT Identity
AMP - Some people know right away if they are gay, while others have more difficulty. This article ... If when I tell my family that I am a lesbian and they react badly, what do I do
How do I know if I'm gay?
I always felt different and I think I'm attracted to girls but I had been with a man before and...
How To Come Out?
I have a boyfriend over three months now but my parents are very religious and I don't think...
Being Gay
By the end of the 20th century, the word gay was recommended by major LGBT groups andstyle guides to describe people attracted to members of the same sex...
Gay test - find out your sexuallity
Find out if you're straight, gay or Bi
I clicked on the last option I saw, I like quizs, it's just a game and frankly I don't have anything to lose.
I waited for the page to load and press START.
Senero 1
A handsome guy ask for your number in a bar, what do you do?
Well shit, that has never happened. I pressed no.
Senero 2 part 1
You're having a sleepover at your friend's place. He wants to sleep, do you go with him or stay up?
I hate being alone at other people's homes I'd probably try to sleep as well.
Senero 2 part 2
You're in bed with your friend and he suggest to have sex with you, do you agree?
The fuck? I almost choked from the air I breathed. Why would anyone do that? This test is ridiculous, God I never even thought of having sex with another man. This is too much.
I locked my phone and laid down on my bed, now in full darkness.
I had a girlfriend before, not for long but she was nice and I liked her.
I like Alex, I mean of course I do, he is my friend, I like Rian and Zack too.
I've never dreamt about kissing one of them, a tiny voice in my head whispered, and I never wanted to. Do I want to kiss Alex? I try to keep an open mind, this is all theoretical after all. I think about all the years we have known each other; our friendship, us making music, the shows, the Jalex thing on stage, his mouth..
I think I do.
YOU ARE READING
Daydreaming About You (Jalex)
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